*photo by Sabrina Hill
"I have so much I want to say. But sometimes don't say it.Β I worry I won't communicate things as clearly as they feel in my head. But I try to not to let that stop me from using my voice. From speaking up when I feel that scratch in my gut, that urge to say something.Β And I usually feel a sense of freedom after sharing - even if my words stumble, or break me." - me
..I tweeted something similar to that a few days ago. The day had started out with some tears, but luckily, went up from there.
The day ended with a stroll through my favorite sunny park, and a bowl of smoky maple carrot soup, made by my husband. Gold star to him! And as the smoldering July sun settled into the powder blue horizon during my park stroll, I had five thingsΒ crisply in my mind that I wanted to share with you guys..
Five tips that help me navigate life as a sensitive person...
Me. Getting a little personal first..
Being sensitive.Β I like to think of myself as an extroverted introvert with sensitive tendencies. I know I'm not the only one, I mean, Buzzfeed. I was a well-behaved, quiet kid. I did well in school and I had loads of girlfriends who easily brought out my silly, creative side. But I was super shy in large groups, around boys or talking in class. My mind was always spinning with thoughts, daydreams and things I wanted to say - but usually never did.
As an adult, I truly thought I would eventually grow out of that quiet nature. But to my surprise, it has not gone away, but rather morphed into something else.Β Something beautiful, yet often times challenging.
It would be so much easier to be someone with "thick skin" but so much less ... me.
"Highly sensitive" people (yes, that is a technical term in psychology)Β tend to feel things more deeply than your average person. This comes in handy at times like when being empathetic to other people or for creative projects. But can feel like a curse at other times. I love feeling like I have strong emotions and a big heart, but I hate when I just can't control my tears or let criticism or confrontation rattle me.
Summer Reading. I am currently reading "Quiet" by Susan Cain. It is about "the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking." I love it. Here is where she describes people who are highly sensitive in nature..
"Many introverts are also "highly sensitive," which sounds poetic, but is actually a technical term in psychology. If you are a sensitive sort, then you're more apt than the average person to feel pleasantly overwhelmed by Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" or an act of extraordinary kindness. You may be quicker than others to feel sickened by violence and ugliness, and you likely have a very strong conscience. When you were a child you were probably called "shy," and to this day feel nervous when you're being evaluated, for example when giving a speech or on a first date." - Susan Cain, Quiet
Later in the book, Susan discusses how even the highly sensitive, "quiet" individuals in this world can become masterful leaders, visionaries, speakers and negotiators. (Shoutout to my cousin Heather for turning me on to this book!) You can follow Susan or Quiet Revolution on Twitter.
But for just about anyone, highly sensitive or not, one thing that can impact your sensitivity scale is STRESS. Life, money, job, relationship stress, health, grief and so much more. Basically me this year, raises hand, and again.
Stress hits you both emotionally and physically. And can definitely make you feel more fragile, sensitive. So it is important to take care of yourself: eat well, sleep well, exercise, have friends to cry with and laugh with and do things that make you happy. Make you feel good. (But not in a Cersei Lanister from Game of Thrones sort of way .. a la season 6 episode 10. Ha.)Β But I digress!Β The bright side of any challenge or increased sensitivity, is that you usually come out feeling stronger and more aware of your place in this world.
So back to yesterday morning's drama. Long story short, I had an appointment with a new doctor that did not end very well. I left the office blotting my eyes with tissues. It was just one of those situations where I had to speak up for myself, aka confrontation. And sometimes, confrontation can lead to tears, sobs, salty water creeping from my eyes, leaving tiny slip-n-slides down my cheeks. I just. can't. help. it.
I left the appointment, stumbling out into the sunshine, my body tired from the adrenalin rush and swell of emotions. I felt awful. I felt embarrassed that I cried. I questioned myself. When the situation wasn't at all my fault.
Later on in the day, Β after I pulled myself up and dusted myself off, I was meditating on something powerful: no one should ever feel ashamed of their tears. Their quietness. Their joy. Their silliness. Or any part of themselves that makes them human.
So anywaaaaays. The day ended well and I walked away with the inspiration to write this post.
(And update: The doctor called me that evening and then again the next day to profusely apologize for his disposition. So that was a positive thing..)
So where does that leave us sensitive, quiet, deep-feeling people? Are we the weaker ones in the confrontations in life? Are we always going to be manipulated by bullies or simply people with strong personalities? Sometimes, yes! But that does not have to be the case.
Society often sees quietness as a weakness. Well it all depends on how you look at things...
Susan Cain says in Quiet, "In the West, we subscribe the Extrovert Ideal, while in much of Asia (at least before Westernization), silence is golden."Β
Ghandi said, "My shyness has been in reality my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth." (quote from the book Quiet)
Now let me get to those five tips!..
So the Five Things I Have Learned From Being a Sensitive Person
1. Use Your Voice. This may go against what your sensitive gut is telling you. But using your voice is actually the best way to go! This way you never go home wishing you had said "such and such" to someone.
Bottling up your story is an awful way to live. Tell it. Every day. To anyone. One person. Or the whole internet. *raises hand* Take an Uber ride and talk the drivers ear off. They like that! Someone out there is listening. It doesn't have to be loud, it just has to be heard.
I hope we can all find ways to project our sparkly, glistening beams of light, our voices, out into the galaxy. And feel good about it! You can be a voice for YOU and a voice for others. Acknowledge that you have something to say and figure out how to say it.Β
2. Keep Your Heart Safe.
This world can be harsh. And scary. And challenging. And while stepping outside your comfort zone can be a good thing. There is also something to be said for knowing what places, spaces and people make you feel GOOD and which ones make you feel BAD.
Stick to places where you feel safe. And spend time with people who have good energy. Especially if you are feeling extra fragile. Spend time with people that lift you up, rather than bring you down.
3. Have a Backup Plan!
Sensitive people can crash when something upsets them. So when life gets you all jumbled , frazzled or just plain sobby, have a backup plan! A lifeline, an escape route like James Bond in his flashy getaway sports car.
Have a list of five or so things you can do that will bring you back to a happy space, back to feeling a bit more shiny on the outside and warm and fuzzy on the inside. Here are a few of my back-up plans..
- Friends.Β I have a few lifelines on my phone. Friends I will call or text for different challenging situations in life. Those friends who I know I can vent to (and vice versa!) without being judged. Those friends who I will be crying to and then suddenly laughing my head off with.
- Bubble Bath. So simple and easy, but I am instantly 'reset' in a positive way from a warm bath with salts, oils and mountains of Pretty Woman-movie style bubbles.
- Kitty Cats. When I am working from home and something stresses me out, I take a cat break. I can scoop up a furry creature and get kisses and purrs than heal. Actually a kitty purr really does heal!
- Art. Cooking, painting, photography. All those things help bring me back to center. Bring my feeling full again.
- Nature. The awe of nature can distract you from a bad day or mood.
Get all of my Ten Ways I Help Myself Feel Better.
4. Cry it Out.
If you feel the urge to cry, cry. Pretty simple, yes? Studies show that crying just might make you feel better!
5. Read. Read. Read.
Hey, look! You are doing this right now! I find that reading books like Susan Cain's Quiet and personal or informative blogposts about what it means to be a sensitive person, really helps me better understand myself, my emotions and my reactions to life. I used to think I was the only 'extroverted introvert' but clearly, according to plenty Buzzfeed articles, I am not alone. Ha. I mean this Buzzfeed article basically says it all, yes?
...this little sensitive squirrel is going for it! π
Bonus #6 + #7...
- Show yourself compassion. You are sensitive. That's ok! That swell of emotions will calm eventually.
- Smile it out! If your not feeling the "use your voice" route. Or if all else fails and you are in an awful confrontation or critical moment with a bully or someone well-meaning that is just making you feel bad, just sit there, pause and smile. Do your quiet thing, we are so good at that! And just smile. "Talk less. Smile more." - Aaron Burr in Hamilton
"One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat." - Woodrow Wilson
Bonus #8 Look for the Good! I totally forgot to mention how blogging for me factors into being a sensitive person. BIG time! I have had more than a few harsh comments or negative blogging moments over the past nine years writing here at HHL. And as I confessed to a blogger group once, this is my biggest tip: Look for the good. I actually keep an email folder where I store allllllll the nice comments or emails I have received over the years. I rarely even look at it, but it just really helps to know it is there! So even when something hurtful happens, the key is to look for the good. Remember the positive things and people in your world.
*photo by Sabrina Hill
Closing it Up. So that's my personal post of the day. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Part of what makes blogging so exciting for me is these vent-style posts where I talk about all the things swirling inside my head. And as my opening quote said, I may not get all the words perfectly on paper (or screen) but at least I am getting them out into the world. And for me, that is a huge gold star for my day and my personal growth. So thank you for listening.
I would love to hear from you on anything I talked about today. I would love it if you shared some of your sensitivity story with me!
Happy Wednesday everyone ~ Kathy
Links to Try:
* Purchase Quiet or The Highly Sensitive Person on Amazon (affiliate links)
* 18 Struggles Only Socially Outgoing Introverts Understand - Buzzfeed
* Tips for Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy - Psych Today
--
Topical Note 7/7/16: I just had to add something that was topical today. About five minutes after I posted this blogpost I ran across the story on Diamond Reynolds and I was floored. This is a woman who stood up, used her voice when she needed to. And on a grand scale. I cannot even compare the small events in my day to atrocities like what happened to her. You can read more about what happened here or here. Or on the twitter hashtag. It is awful and heartbreaking and all I have no words.
*photo by Sabrina Hill
E Hill says
This post was so helpful to me! Thank you for discussing being a sensitive. I've walked around feeling pretty vulnerable in this sense and never knew it was a thing! I feel so much better knowing that other people out there experience life in a similar way. Your tips were perfect. I'm going to refer to them often! Bless you!
Jordan @ The Balanced Blonde says
Kathy!!! WOW. I cannot believe how similar we are, or rather I should say how much I RELATE to this post. From the kitty cat snuggles to the descriptions you give of how you feel in so many situations to your advice to SPEAK UP and use your voice!! My latest mantra is: "I trust myself. I trust my voice, I trust my heart, and I trust my intuition. I have a voice, I have something to say." You might like that too. π I love all of this. You must read the HSP book, you'll get a kick out of it and relate tons. I vote you write more personal life posts like this... You are a great story teller. And these photos are GORG. Oh also, I think our sensitivity is a major positive trait. I think it enables us to do what we do: blog, write books, connect with people on a deeper level, have compassion in ways that some people don't understand... It's pretty awesome. Big love to you!!!
Srivani Yogini says
Kathy... ME, ME, ME... I'm a Sensitive Introvert. I'm so sensitive that this post made me cry! Especially " no one should ever feel ashamed of their tears." I know this; but have such a hard, hard time acknowledging this in myself, or rather, giving myself permission to express my tears if ANYONE is present. Having spent 18 years in a relationship where any show of tear-filled emotion (whether in frustration, anger, sadness, or joy) was seen as weakness and berated as such, it's so hard to break out of that stigma. But, I got out of the relationship; and since fell for the most amazing and sensitive partner who helps me and holds me and tells me its okay to cry (whatever the reason)... but even 6 years later, it's still hard. Anyway, I just love this post and already read it twice. Thank you for your kindness through your words and your sharing of yourself. Also, I'm absolutely floored that the doctor called personally to apologize... wow!
Jocelyn Drinic says
I completely can relate to you in this post, this is me everyday. But, I would classify myself more and introvert introvert. Ha! That darn sensitivity. I'm still even in this moment constantly holding back my thoughts, ideas, and dreams in a safe place inside my head. I have so much fear presenting to the world, but yet I know its the only career path that is really meant for me. I worry about the same things, and struggle with the same insecurity. Though you'd never know from your blog! I love how you write, and share and talk and that probably has to do with how very much we can all be the same. I am reminded of the powerful quote from Marianne Williamson's famous "Our Deepest Fear", and how she says allowing ourselves to shine, gives others the permission to do so as well. So true! I really feel like I need permission to come out from under my little conch shell. Well, this is one small step towards doing so. Thank you for sharing your deepest truths!
RockMyVeganSocks says
I love your recipes and your food photography and think you're an awesome foodie blogger. But what keeps me coming back to your blog like a faithful fan girl is that you open yourself up to us. You aren't fake and you don't pretend that life is perfect. Life isn't perfect and it never was meant to be, it's messy and there is complete and utter beauty in that messiness.
"I love feeling like I have strong emotions and a big heart, but I hate when I just can't control my tears or let criticism or confrontation rattle me."
Nailed it! I love this. It's so true. And I feel like there is a huge stigma associated with "sensitive" people, so much so, that I now consider myself extremely empathetic haha ;p
I'm not an introvert, no one from my childhood would ever call me shy, but I'm super sensitive and it's taken me a really long time to appreciate that about myself. Thank you for sharing <3
Kathy Patalsky says
What a sweet and thoughtful comment, thank you so much. It means so much to me that my words in these types of posts actually resonate with so many people. I started blogging to connect with people. And as much as I love helping people discover amazing recipes, I believe the true power of bloggers today in in their honesty, openness and willingness to talk about every part of their lives. The good AND the challenging parts.
It is a tricky balance to share both the happy experiences in my life with all the challenges that WE ALL HAVE.
I see how perfect social media can make people look sometimes and I hate thinking there are people and especially young girls out there believing that life is really like that for those internet celebs - perfect. So by slowly but consistently sharing small pieces of my soul and hardships I hope I am part of the movement to counterbalance that perfectionism.
Anyways... That's my LONG reply. Thank you again for reading my blog and for the positive feedback! πππ
Kathy Sturr says
Love this post, thank you.
Kathy Patalsky says
thank you for reading Kathy!
Amy Pantaleo says
Thank you so much for sharing this, it deeply resonates with me. <3 I found out what a highly sensitive person was a couple of years ago and couldn't believe how accurately something could describe me. Also, I am totally an extroverted introvert. It's so comforting to read about others who are like me and how they've figured things out for themselves. I definitely have times where I just cannot not cry in certain situations, and I know that is okay because that is who I am. That book is definitely on my to read list!
Kathy Patalsky says
I am so glad my post comforted you Amy! That makes me feel so good. I am also happy to hear how many of us HSP's are out there and how many read my blog! π
Marisa says
I can completely relate to your quiet personality and even more so, can relate to your experience with the doctor. I recently had the same type of experience (including the phone calls to apologize) in Los Angeles and can only wonder if it happens to be the same man?!
Kathy Patalsky says
haha interesting!! I can only imagine this sort of thing happens a lot. I hope your experience ended ok and you found someone else who helped you both mind and body. The apology calls are the WORST. So awkward. So sorry that happened to you too Marisa!
Amber says
yes, Yes, and YES! It's like talking to (reading from??) a soulmate. I read what you describe in this post in your daily experiences, daily struggles, daily victories and I feel like I'm reading a description of myself. In a weird way it's a relief to know there are others with similar struggles. I HATE that I cry so easily, it's often in embarrassing situations. And yes, I've read the positive sides of being a sensitive person, empathy and understanding people better, but when I embarrass myself crying in front of someone I don't believe they're thinking that it's a positive trait I have. In any case, I need to work on being gentler with myself and recognizing the positive side, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing.
Kathy Patalsky says
"I need to work on being gentler with myself and recognizing the positive side, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone." ...loved this. This is exactly why I wrote this post. I hope we can all be more compassionate with ourselves, and just feel good about whatever emotions naturally come out of us.
Frederique says
Kathy, I'm also incredibly sensitive, to the point that people around me think there is something wrong. I cry for joy as much as from sadness, awe, pride, fatigue, pain, or just being overwhelmed. Tears are almost a daily thing for me. Empathy is difficult when you feel the pain the person confiding in you feels, I have no mechanism for protecting myself from the pain my loved ones share. I am seeing someone to learn to have some sort of "emotional distance" just to be able to function without being so stretched and burnt out from "feeling" so much. So i hear ya, loud and clear! We exist and we are aloud to cry during ALL the Disney movies even in our 30s! π Thanks for sharing, especially the tip about the back-up plan, as I had not thought of that one yet! <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for sharing that Frederique! Your sensitivity sounds beyond beautiful to me. I know it can be incredibly draining though, especially when you are in an extra fragile swing.
I am constantly working on myself too, trying to be compassionate and love myself fully, all while trying to balance my sensitivity with LIFE, which basically demands you to stiffen up, stop crying and plow through things, putting your emotions on hold as best you can. It is a balancing act!
No matter what, I want to end each day feeling happiness, pride and love towards myself and my place in this world. <3
Frederique says
Loving yourself is beyond difficult, as we are often our worst judge! Good on you for making that effort every day! It's a work in progress for me! Keep going, you should be proud of who you are π You bring light and joy to those who read you π
Caitlin says
Hi Kathy,
I have followed your blog for years and love it! I am also a HSP, although I'm not a particularly quiet person. But I can totally relate to your fear of confrontation...I'm currently reading a book called "Highly Intuitive People" by Heidi Sawyer, and she talks about how HSPs avoid confrontation at all costs. This is because we tend to FEEL and take responsibility for the emotions of the other person during the confrontation. I couldn't agree more! I'm glad you found some peace and joy from such a difficult and painful situation. Yes, we feel things a little deeper, but we are all only human. π Thank you for sharing.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks for you comment Caitlin! I will check out that book too, pretty sure I have heard of it. It is funny, I actually wouldn't call myself "quiet" anymore either! Given the chance and a safe setting, I love to talk and open up ... obviously .. ha. I think you have to have a lot to say if you want to be a blogger! So it is an interesting transition from my quiet-ish childhood to my sensitive and loud adulthood.
Interesting about the confrontation note.. I would actually totally agree with taking responsibility for the other person's emotions. When the doctor I interacted with started projecting his bad day and mood onto our appointment, I was super scared to say anything because then *I* would be the one causing him to get even more frazzled and snippy. Which is exactly what happened. I was so confused because suddenly I felt guilty for a negative situation that had nothing to do with me. Fascinating!! π
Thanks for your insight lady! <3
gittie says
Beautiful!
Kathy Patalsky says
thank you Gittie
Jackie says
I just started Quiet yesterday π
Kathy Patalsky says
Awesome! You will love it
Claire Elizabeth says
I love your posts, Kathy. I love your honesty and vulnerability. You're an inspiring individual, and your vibrant light is beautiful. I hope no one ever makes you think differently. So blessed by your personal posts. Thank you for this and all you do. ππ
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much for saying that Claire!
I always get nervous posting personal posts, but I keep doing it because of the positive feedback from you guys -- and the wonderful way it makes me feel. Those good feelings come from both the opening up to others and feeling like I might be warming someone's day or inspiring a thought. <3 Thank you for reading and commenting!
Heather Poire says
Thank you for sharing Kathy! As a fellow sensitive extrovert I can totally relate to every point in your post // buzzfeed was spot on too - often times I find myself wanting to back out of plans where I can't necessarily predict who is going to be there or what will happen (I am a creature of habit!) but once I get to where I am going I realize it isn't as bad as I made myself think it was going to be , but always like knowing one or two people at the very least in new situations π
Kathy Patalsky says
yup, me so many days.. "but once I get to where I am going I realize it isn't as bad as I made myself think it was going to be"
Natasha Allen says
Love this post! I am an introvert who occasionally likes socializing so very helpful. Thanks!
Kathy Patalsky says
thank you Natasha! <3
Kelly says
I am a highly sensitive extrovert. Would I enjoy Quiet as well?
Kathy Patalsky says
Yes! If you ever find moments of passionately being in your head, which is really most people at some time in their lives, this book is a beautiful read. I love the awareness and dialogue this book creates. I would invite even non-Quiet type personalities to check out its message.
Kelly says
Great, thank you! Yes, I am always in my head. I put in hold at the Library.
Adriane says
This resonated with me in a big way. I am one of those introverts that "absorbs" others feelings allowing them to affect my mood even blaming myself at times for someone else's behavior. I have a habit of over thinking, and like you am afraid to speak up because I'm worried about how others will receive it. Thanks so much for sharing this it inspired me so much!
Kathy Patalsky says
I'm so glad it spoke to you Adriane! Yup, I can be the same way, like a sponge, absorbing other people's energy good or bad. It so often feels like a bad thing to be super sensitive, but I hope we can all start thinking of it as a good thing in so many ways. Thank you so much for reading and sharing here π
Rosie says
Lovely post! I've learned to be less sensitive or deal with it better anyways but it's not easy. One of my nicknames my brothers gave me when I was little was "mantequilla"...butter in Spanish because I would "melt" and cry so easily lol.
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw that's so cute π and sweet. I think it's beautiful that they call out your sensitive side! π thanks for reading and sharing Rosie.
C. Lee Leo says
Reading Quiet was nearly life changing for me. I finally felt like I wasn't alone. I spent my years in school receiving bad grades in participation but straight A's on tests and homework. As an adult, I still regularly feel misunderstood. People who don't take the time to talk to me assume that my quietness is aloofness (or other unpleasant traits). Yet the people who take the time to know me know I put my heart into everything I do. I'm still praying for the day that introverts are respected in the US as much as extroverts are. We're different, but we're equal!
Kathy Patalsky says
"Yet the people who take the time to know me know I put my heart into everything I do" .. that is so beautiful and so so true about so many people. I am so happy you loved Quiet as much as I do. I am only halfway through, but loving it... thank you for sharing C.Lee!
Larice says
I loved reading this and can relate to everything you said so much! Which is probably why I enjoy following your blog so much. I've always been on the shy, quiet side, keeping my many ideas to myself, and I've always been sensitive to what others say. I think now in my 30s I'm finally appreciating my personality, and I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone. Thanks so much for sharing, Kathy.
Kathy Patalsky says
I'm so glad you liked the post Larice! And can relate to my story. Thank you so much for following my blog and for sharing here πππ
Rebecca @ Strength & Sunshine says
O yes!!! Me, me, me!!! I know this all too well! Wonderful post Kathy xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Rebecca! Thank youI r reading and for proclaiming your sensitive soul status π π