This is my Eating Disorder Reflection.
With each new blogpost, I am continually so grateful that this little food blog I started back in 2007 is now my full-time career. But besides being my dream job, the truly most valuable aspect of blogging for me has been all the amazing connections I have made with my readers and fellow bloggers, you guys on the other side of this screen.
You are a community of compassionate, aware, sometimes hilarious and always inspiring individuals from all over the world. I wake up each day excited to see what you are posting in the comments, tweeting me, Instagramming and reaching out everywhere else.
Heathy Happy (Real) Life.
Today I am pausing on a recipe and sharing a story. All because I want to chat a bit deeper with you on the topic of wellness. Because while I know we all love a good spin-on-avocado-toast recipe post, I also know that sometimes the best meals are not about the food at all, but rather about the person on the other end of the table, and the connections and stories you shared.
Wellness Gets Real
This story is one I haven't told in full here on HHL, and I kept making excuses to not share it, until one day last week I just started writing. And writing. And eventually ended up with this post. So here it goes.
But before I get to my story, I want to reflect on two things: wellness and our bodies.
Whole Body / Mind Wellness.
If you think the term "wellness" sounds a bit boring or passè, think again. You see, every fit of laughter, burst of energy, peaceful slumber, comforting hug, valuable friendship, each brilliant idea you have, illness your body fights and every feeling of hope, peace or gratitude is born from some aspect of wellness. In short, contrary to popular belief, wellness is much more than your half hour of cardio and lunchtime green smoothie. It is your entire world, mind spirit and body, doing its best to thrive on this planet.
Need a wellness refresher? Learn all about the six dimensions of wellness.
Favorite wellness skill: learning how to listen to your body.
An authentic, well-tuned ear takes time and dedication to acquire. Our bodies are speaking to us all the time, it is our job to listen and hopefully adjust our actions based on what we hear.
Why Trust Your Body?
Simply put, there is so much we can learn from them. As humans, when we landed in this world, inside these fragile and mysterious bodies, we didn't know our thumb from our belly button. But our bodies had been doing some pretty fantastic things from the very beginning. Creating organs, major body systems, digesting nutrients, fighting off bad bacteria, fine tuning our brains and developing our senses. Our magical bodies are the little geniuses in each one of us. Yes, YOU are a certified GENIUS just by having a body.
So it makes good sense to stop focusing so much on what outside voices and popular trends are telling us and start listening to our actual bodies themselves. They want nothing more than to help our spirits thrive on this planet. To usher us towards total wellness: spiritual, emotional, physical, social, intellectual and occupational.
But there is no such thing as perfect wellness. We all have cracks, weaknesses. Some more severe than others. These were mine. Story time!
Just a Girl in this World.
As a young girl, when it came to my body, I did what many young people do, I basically ignored it. Once in a while it would strike me down with allergies, asthma attacks, ear aches or common colds. Or if I ate too much Halloween candy or fell and scraped my knees. I would suddenly be very aware of its presence and voice. But other than that, I didn't pay much attention.
Then those teenage years hit, physical and mental changes unraveling at a speedy pace, and suddenly I was a 16 year-old girl becoming painfully overly aware of my body. And before even working through things with my body, on the same team. I treated my body like my enemy.
Distorted View
I had a twisted distortion about what was beautiful and what I was supposed to look like. Hm, that sounds like almost every teenage girl, like ever, right? Well I didn’t know that at the time. Maybe because there wasn’t a whole lot of authentic and loudly-voiced, girl-focused, self esteem-building body talk going on in the late 90’s. Social media - I've realized - can in fact do GOOD. Though yes, it's a mix of positive and negative images and messages in regards to eating disorders.
90's Life
In the late 1990's, we were in our own little boxes. Small worlds. School, friends, home, activities, newspapers, magazines, books, TV. My entire analysis of my own body was based on my surroundings: pop culture, magazines, friends, family, and maybe a few after-school specials just for good measure. The only convincing “girl power” I was aware of came blaring out of my boom box speakers, via The Spice Girls.
Taking My Body For Granted
When in reality, girl power was all around me. I was a pretty darn good example of it, excelling in school, sports, art, friendships and more. That very body I doubted, was actually the very thing that allowed me to do all my favorite things: play tennis, study hard, think and learn, make friends, care for animals, connect with people, dance, sing, use my creativity and more.
My self esteem should have been soaring. And it was, in some respects. But when my weaknesses were tested, I struggled and I simply didn't make the connection.
Naturally Thin
The frustrating thing about my story is that I have always been naturally thin, and so the line between looking healthy or not was always strange. I was teased in junior high for me "lanky" limbs.
Teenage Girl Problems
And suddenly, as late high school insecurities and anxieties grew, my normal teenage girl doubts were manifesting themselves in some dangerous ways. Those small cracks in my wellness system, gave way to reveal deep canyons. Eating disorder facts:
- 75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities such as disordered eating, cutting, bullying, smoking, drinking and using drugs.
- The impact of low self-esteem often leads to behaviors that can be life altering well beyond teen years.
- Girl self-esteem peaks at age 9 then plummets. - girlpowercampaign
Even though my body allowed me so many joys, I took one look in the mirror and decided...
I hate you.
When My Eating Disorder Started
This all started my senior year in high school. (Great timing, yes?) I was a sweet, smart girl with loads of friends and a happy life, but my overachieving tendencies, perfectionistic mindset and lack of stress-coping skills while applying for colleges and pondering my future got in the way of all the good stuff. Suddenly, changing my body, was high priority on my to-do list.
For a good year, I starved and overworked my body. Muffling anything it had to say. And I succeeded in my efforts, I lost weight at a drastic pace, and in my minds eye, I was winning this game.
Meanwhile, my body was screaming. Crumbling. Wellness deteriorating. Frail, exhausted, my brain became fuzzy, my energy levels plummeted and I found it challenging to climb out of bed each day, depression kicked in and my growth as a beautIful young girl basically froze, stuck blistering in frostbite from an endless blizzard that I started for myself. Think Queen Elsa, only much more traumatic.
High Functioning Personalities are Common in EDs
Somehow, I was able to maintain my straight A grades and participate in endless extra-curricular activities, though my inner happiness began to suffer. A body can only take so much.
This behavior spiraled into what official terms would call an eating disorder, though I was never formally diagnosed. It was a time when talking openly about eating disorders was a very awkward thing, no one really felt comfortable doing it. And even though I am able to write this today, I am annoyed to say that I still have some faint sense of shame from the whole experience. And that is the main reason why I am writing this. To free myself and other girls out there from that shame.
Shame-less
There is nothing shameful about it, and anyone who thinks that there is or judges you for it, probably has a lot more going on in their own life than they care to admit to. Life happens. People go through things. And then we find comfort in figuring things out together.
So that last year of high school, a time that should have been incredibly joyful and magical, became a battlefield. Me against my body. And while a few people in my life showed concern, I was so good at pretending that everything was ok that after a while I actually believed it myself. I shut down and did not let anyone in.
Eating Disorder Isolation
And one of the greatest challenges I faced was that feeling of isolation. I desperately ached to hear someone say that I wasn't a broken person and I wasn't alone. Through everything, I had no clue how many bright, loving, amazing girls (and boys) were going through the same problems as me, on varying levels. I wasn’t some strange messed up soul, but a normal one.
But normal can quickly take a destructive turn. There is a switch that has to click, to take you from normal self doubt to full on eating disorder or body hate status. To actively torture your body from the inside out. You have to be motivated by something extreme.
What motivates the eating disorder?
Maybe it is your own perfectionism or unrealistic goals for yourself, or a distorted body image, or a severe case of stress where controlling your body actually numbs the pain and makes you feel in control, or maybe even the pressure from participating in a body specific sport or industry like ballet, gymnastics, or modeling.
For me, I put that pressure on myself and soon, like a wooden marionette character, my entire world was strictly choreographed by my disorder, I was being held up by tight thin strings just waiting to break, leaving me falling on my face. I had given away so much control to the puppet master that I had forgotten how to stand up on my own terms, walk my own path, dance, jump, sprint and leap.
Rock Bottom
Come winter break of my senior year, I was a mess. I have photos where I look like a skeleton. I don't share them here because they could be triggering for those still suffering.
My eating disorder could no longer be hidden from anyone. Teachers, friends, they all reached out. Looking back, I am so sad I didn't open up to them. I just didn't see it. And that is one of the major problems with eating disorders. You truly believe you are both fine and healthy -- and not quite perfect yet.
At some point, finally, I awakened somewhat from my protective coating of numbness and saw what was happening. And the sting of reality was harsh. I looked like crap. And felt even worse. I wanted out.
Help. Please.
I desperately wanted a quick fix solution. A reset button to press on all the damage I had done. But sending a dozen long-stemmed red roses to my body wouldn't work. I tried to maintain healthy habits, but it was a struggle. I felt hopeless at times and wondered if things would ever be normal again. All I wanted was to go out with my friends, eat three slices of pizza and plop down on the couch without my brain going on autopilot and analyzing calories and fat grams.
Eventually, I graduated from high school, all while still struggling to recover. Soon I was a new college student in Boston, 3,000 miles from home. My schoolwork still thrived, but my social life suffered. For the first time in my life, I found it challenging to make friends and to be a happy person with all the internal conflict I was trying to resolve, both mentally and physically.
It took me a good while to genuinely crawl out of that rabbit hole. And even today, I have some leftover physical and mental consequences from all those years of self-abuse and lack of support. But for the most part, I am lucky and grateful to have come out of it.
Getting Help Early
Just HOW I managed to do that is an entirely other conversation in itself. I 100% think that my eating disorder would have healed more quickly if I had reached out for help early on. But back then there was no Twitter or blog posts or ways to connect and get advice. I felt so alone and ashamed.
I will say that my plant-based diet and vegan lifestyle has had a valuable presence on my journey towards health and wellness.
Healing Started, Slowly...
Another cornerstone in my healing was realizing that all the good, real, stuff that makes someone truly beautiful is on the inside. So clichè, but I think young girls are not always brought up to truly believe this. So much beauty lies inside each one of us, but the world will only ever see that beauty if you first and foremost believe in it yourself.
Self esteem matters so much. Lets support one another and keep the conversation going.
Today's Life.
These days, my eating disorder is healed. I can say that with actual confidence. Not like how I did in college. Back then, "I'm fine" was really me screaming inside.
My actions towards my body reflect my goal for wellness. I want to thrive on this planet, play in the sunshine and have a smile on my face, and I have to take care of myself to do that. As a 33 year-old woman I now choose to spend my precious time and energy nurturing the things that bring me the most in return: people, thoughts, feelings, words, animals, adventures, art, my work, places, joy-inducing food and real nutrition, healthy happy fitness like dancing around in my bedroom as opposed to grinding away at the gym (though I have nothing against gyms), and overall trying to have a big old sense of humor about everything that life may sling at me.
Growth From Struggle
It is up to us to turn our challenging experiences in life into positive outcomes. And to hopefully give back to those still struggling. And for me, much good did come out of all this: this experience inspired my love and passion for authentic health and wellness, my degree in Health Promotion, this blog, my vegan adventures, many lifelong friends and all my work in creating healthy happy meals for my life and yours!
Share Your Story
Sharing this story about my eating disorder was not easy. It literally took me an entire day to press the "publish" button. But if I can make one person feel less alone or supported, then it is worth it.
I ask a favor. I hope you will join in this conversation of real world wellness. Leave a comment, share this with a friend or simply give it a like. It would mean the world to me and show me that you are hungry for more conversations. And if you have a topic you’d love for me to bring up and chat about, let me know.
A few of my favorite eating disorder / kindness / positive message reads online:
- Gena’s Green Recovery Series
- NEDA - national eating disorders association - get support!
- ANAD
- Operation Beautiful
- The Kind Campaign to end bullying, especially among young girls.
- Ask Elizabeth - advice
- GirlieGirlArmy - WCW all day, strong female vibes I adore
(Disclaimer: I do not want to generalize body image issues or ED's. Everyone is different. This was simply MY personal case. If you think you are struggling with any body or eating issues at all, seek help, do not feel ashamed. And most of all, keep working at it! I promise, it gets so much better. You can do this. 🙂
Vanessa says
Kathy, I love your t-shirt which you wear above! Is there any chance to order it? Even in Germany??? I would love it 🙂
Trisha says
Kathy-
Thank you for posting this. When a person goes through something so personal in their life, they tend to think they are the only ones going through it at the time and that nobody would understand. Now that I am healing myself, I find myself looking for others with similar stories. Your post made me realize that help is out there and that individuals with ED's are not alone. I still do question myself "Will I ever be normal again?!?" I have good/bad days when I can accept who I am now vs. who I used to be. I still struggle with body image, food/binge eating, racing thoughts, and worst part ...is that I never regained my period. I've been on the mend for about a year now but I do believe that there is light at the end of this very, very long tunnel. Thank you for your story and Thank you for your blog! 🙂
Guest says
Hey Kathy 🙂
I only recently started reading your blog (shame on me for not visiting it sooner), but it is amazing! I'm vegan and it's so awesome to have healthy yet quick recipes to thrive on! Your posts are always so vibrant and inspiring. This post in particular really spoke to me, mainly because I'm in ongoing recovery for anorexia. Your kindness and warmth and wisdom about the subject really gives me hope that one day I'll be able to shush the voice (or the puppetmaster as you put it). Thank you x a million for making a 16 year old girl feel less lonely and weird.
- Gaby
xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Gaby, I am so glad you found my blog! You are not alone and you are definitely not weird. You are strong and beautiful for recognizing so early that you have something about yourself that you have to work on and heal. Good for you sweet thing! Keep going. It does get easier. Xoxoxoxo
Bea says
thank you, Kathy. this means so so much! i have struggled FOR YEARS with an eating disorder, and your blog is always a place i can come home to.
seriously. this means more than you can know. you give me hope.
Agata S. says
It is so inspiring to see that even though you have struggled a lot with your past you were able to pull through and come out even stronger than before! It is an inspiration to see that we can overcome our inner fears and demons. You see for the past year, I too have been struggling with my body image, over-exercising, and not eating enough. When I finally decided I didn't want to live like that anymore, something that actually helped me was knowing that by eating the right things I can not only save myself, but I can save the world (and the lives of many animals :). Becoming a vegetarian was a turning point in my life, and while I realize it is dangerous to eliminate certain food groups during recovery, knowing that eating healthy and not at the expense of other creatures' lives made me feel more comfortable, and even passionate about cooking! I've had many ups and downs this past year, but I am proud to say that I have finally begun to put on some healthy weight again. It felt wrong at first, but now I feel stronger than ever. With the help of many friends and family, yoga, and delicious smoothies, I am now on my way into recovery, and better, happier life. Thank you so much for all the inspiration, and of course great recipes. I am inspired daily by all your love for animals and the people around you, and your positive attitude brightens my day!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank YOU Lucy. I love that you shared that here. It makes such a HUGE difference to talk about these things. I am so happy for your progress. It is NOT easy. Keep going lovely girl!
xoxo
Courtney Schrom says
This is awesome! I am currently recovering from my eating disorder and trying to put on healthy weight so i can stay in track and cross country and also stay vegan. it is super hard! But i am so touched by your story, and by the way i love your recipes!! and your blog! You are a big inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing your story! and by the way you are so beautiful and strong! Thanks again!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Courtney! xoxo Congrats on your recovery, it is not easy!
disqus_aaNzjWWtAY says
Thanks for sharing this. I first discovered this blog while in the extreme throes of an eating disorder.
I had a secret suspicion you might have had an eating disorder; I don't even know why, exactly. But I knew it. And there is this sort of awesome relief in knowing you were there, and now have achieved wellness. I still battle my body, and this was such a fantastic post. Thank you.
Kathy Patalsky says
Interesting. I guess part of me feels sad that you ever thought that, because when I started my blog I was GREATLY recovered, but just dealing with living as a recovered girl in a body bashing sort of world, and post-college stress, so it was not easy. But I am super glad my post meant something to you.
RockMyVeganSocks says
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Kathy. I can imagine it would be tough... I have struggled in a similar way, similar time line even to yours. Sadly, my issues cropped back up a couple of years ago and I am trying so very hard to find my happy, well-adjusted self again. It's tough, but reading others stories *really* helps knowing I'm not alone. It gives me strength and confidence to push on because I know it gets better.
"It is up to us to turn our challenging experiences in life into positive outcomes."
Couldn't have said it better myself =)
Kathy Patalsky says
So glad my sharing helped you a little bit! Sharing helps so much 🙂
yes yes I will write it again. It is up to us to turn our challenging experiences in life into positive outcomes!
Natalie says
Thank you for sharing this. I feel like more and more this is an everyday story for girls and it shouldn't be! It's a struggle, but we need to teach the younger generation that accepting your body as it changes is okay and the struggle to maintain an unreal image blinds you of the good times you can have, the close friends you can make and the wholesome healthy foods you can eat. I have wasted so many years in my own head analyzing calories, slaving away at the gym until my calories burned hit a certain number. That's how I judged how good of a day it was and this is not the way to live. You are so brave to share this. Thank you for all you do to promote a Happy, Healthy Life!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Natalie! I totally agree that it is up to us 'older girls' to make sure the little girls can have things a little bit easier. Reaching out to younger girls is so important! Thank you for your comment!
vegancat says
I have been meaning to put an official thank you on your site and I think this is the perfect post to do so.
I suffered with disordered eating for sometime and was going in and out of the hospital. I decided that I could not do it any longer and that I drastically needed to change my diet. I decided to try going vegan and pour my heart and soul into it. It was very hard at first and I slipped up a lot but I slowly grew to love cooking, food and ultimately being vegan! It has been 1 1/2 years since I started my vegan journey and I feel like I am finally free. I have followed your site religiously since I started and have found comfort in the positive food environment and delicious recipes that you have created. I just want you to know that you have made an impact on how I view food and helped me achieve a much healthier, happier, life.
Thank you!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you vegancat! Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations on your vegan journey! It takes time to adjust for sure, and for most people "slip-ups" or whatever you want to call them, they do happen! Some people have a craving they just cannot crush or a social event that makes things difficult, or other reasons. But then the strangest experience is if you give into an old craving and then suddenly the food you eat doesn't taste as good as your mind was making it out to be! I had a few of those moments a few years into being vegan, over ten years ago! Time flies when you are eating amazing food 🙂
Anyways, thank you for being a loyal reader! I am SO happy my blog has inspired you to live a healthier happier life! That means the world to me! xo
Katherine says
Thanks for sharing!! It's always great to have personal stories behind the people we admire online, and you are helping to be a voice for many people out there who may also be struggling. To show them that you're not weird or messed up, and how much you can accomplish by overcoming your struggles (even though it's super hard.) Beautifully-written and heartfelt.
I totally agree that a vegan lifestyle is a huge help mentally in keeping peace with oneself. I didn't realize that until I was asked to "draw my mind-body journey" for a class and I realized that I had had fewer issues with confidence, loving myself, and feeling connected to my inner self AND to the rest of the world, after becoming vegan. It just makes sense to me and works for me. It's what my body and mind has always needed and I only wish I'd done it sooner. I'm glad we both share being vegan as part of our own journeys. 🙂 Keep on glowing!!
Kathy Patalsky says
That is such an awesome comment. I totally would love to try that exercise and I bet the same pattern as yours would emerge. My vegan lifestyle absolutely is a source of confidence and self esteem from the inside out! Thank you for reading and sharing!
Sara Klink says
As a mom with a young daughter this was a nice piece to remind me that teaching her how to respect her body is so important even at a young age. Thank you.
Kathy Patalsky says
I am so glad it did that for you Sara! Thank you for taking the time to read it.
Emma Kate says
Thank you so much for your story. You inspire me and I can relate to so much of your story. I know that I don't know you personally but I feel so proud of you. ♡ Love, Emma
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Emma!
The Vegan Cookie Fairy says
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago about struggling with mental health, and the issue of shame came up. We'd both experienced that feeling that we weren't "sick enough", which is such a destructive mindset. If you are struggling, you're struggling, and everyone deserves help. I think that's something that we need to talk about more to help others understand it's ok to not be ok, it's fine to ask for help. Unfortunately we live in a society that promotes overachieving. Thank you for talking about your struggles, it certainly made me feel a bit better.
Kathy Patalsky says
I was having a similar conversation to my friend the other day too! And how there is not enough info online about mental health wellness for young people. We hear about it in the news all the time or it is brought to our attention when sad events happen, but I wish in general we all talked more about it and supported each other without judgement. Thank you for your comment lovely! Lets all keep talking 🙂
Tatum says
Hi Kathy, thank you for your courage to share your story. Like you, I have struggled my own ED that started after high school and persisted into my late twenties. It ravaged my life, and as a free woman today in my late twenties, I still have remnants in me that I have to keep in check. Self-awareness, speaking and holding onto truth, and a strong support system has been my life-saver (among other precious things). Thank you!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Tatum! be well and thank you for sharing xo
Guest says
For me, I haven't struggle too much with my body - my family and friends have always been supportive, and I'm blessed with health. My biggest struggle so far - in my relatively short life - is resentment. Resentment builds into hate, and I find it hard to trust people again. I believe everything they say is manipulative, in order to make themselves feel superior to me. And I find that every friend and family member is temporary - they may be here for now, but may put you on back-pedal when they meet their partner or get busy
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for reading and sharing Maya, well wishes to you xo
Nicole says
What a beautiful post, Kathy. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your stories. I hope middle schools and high schools are making more of an effort to teach girls about body image and are helping girls support each other vs. bully and demean each other.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Nicole, I wish I could tell every young girl that they ARE ENOUGH. And loving and supporting their peers is kinda like the most magical support system experience ever. Even if it is one sentence saying "you are beautiful and if you ever need anything i am a friend to you, just ask!" Thank you for reading my post!
Natalie says
Yes! Schools need to step in if they aren't already! One comment a boy or girl makes can alter a life. I know first-hand that it can rip someone apart from the inside out. I believe this is often the hardest years of growing up and offering support is priceless!
Fabbri Selene says
i'm in the exact same situation you were and i am getting better, finally 😀 i moved to college and started a new life with three other girls that are my classmates at school and my new family in our shared apartment. the best part of the situation is that i am enjoying eating together and life gets so much easier when you are not counting calories and constantly thinking numbers. i love my body and my life <3
Kathy Patalsky says
thank you for sharing Fabbri, body love is a huge accomplishment for those who struggle with it, so bravo! And YES eating together is GOLD.
Arsy says
Great post Kathy! Totally relate to this, my daughter (who will be 23 soon) was told she was fat in the 7th grade (she wasn't) it was bullying from a few older girls. Started a diet, personality change etc. that turned into a ED and got very depressed, needless to say it was a very Dark time in our home. I caught it got her professional help & had to go on meds for maybe not even 2 years. Our goal was to get her off meds before college (we did) she still has those slips but is able to catch them. She's doing great Senior in College applying to Graduate school. Yes, a very dark time that we all worked out and still kinda working on it. Thank you again! Arlene
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw, what an awesome and smart parent you must be! Catching and DEALING with these things early is so very important. Especially before those kiddos get sent off to college where parents cannot monitor them and really see how they are doing. I have so much respect for girls who are fighting to recover in today's world of Instagram hashtags and selfies. I seriously cannot even imagine how challenging that must be.
And yes, it can be such a dark time that you just want to FORGET about once it is over and not talk about anymore. But I can tell you as a daughter that to continue to talk about it in a nurturing non-judgmental way, even after it seems it has been long gone, is a GREAT thing. Because the truth is, those memories of that pain are always with you and will always effect you. And you will always hold that bond of going through it as a family. So hearing a "congrats" or "you are amazing" or "I know how much pain you went through and still hold in your memories, but I am so proud of you!" can be an incredibly healing thing to hear from a parent. Send her my love!
Alanna says
Kathy, this is a beautiful story. I know so many people are going
through this exact same thing right now and it's important that they
know they are not alone. I faced a very similar struggle just a couple
of short years ago...something I have not publicly shared or maybe never
will, but I hope to some day when I'm ready. You're an inspiration and
love how you're spreading wellness and positivity! <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Alanna! I hope, if you want to, you can speak out someday about your experience! As I have found, with these comments, and private ones I have received, there is such a HUGE need for conversation and discussion. It is scary because this world is so incredibly judgmental at times, but I think there is enough light and love out there to smother the darkness and negativity. Ps. Hope to see you somewhere soon! @rabbitfoodformybunnyteeth:disqus Cat and I are going to FoodFightWrite next month! It could be a fun TroopBeverlyHills reunion! 🙂 (email me if you are interested!!) xoxo
Taylor Cawley says
Kathy, you have been one of my top two favorite vegan blogs since I went vegan three years ago. Your lifestyle and promotion of wellness has also been a constant inspiration for me since I began recovery from my eating disorder over two years ago. I am now so, so, so much better off from where I was in my wellness two years ago, and must sincerely thank you for helping me in that journey. Wellness and happiness mist remain our priorities. You are beautiful, and so am I! #WELLNESSGETSREAL !!!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Taylor!! Thank you for reading my blog and sending your light out into the world! I am so happy I have inspired you and that you are at a better place than you were two years ago ----- keep going!!!!! XO
Veganne Joanne says
Good job Kathy! Very brave! Very recognizable. Thank you for being so open and honest! Hugs! (to your lovely cats as well :D)
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Veganne! And my kittens say thank you and purr 🙂
Heather McClees says
Kathy, I knew I connected with you on so many levels the first time I saw your blog. Yet I had no idea how much we had in common. Isn't it strange how high school can bring so much of a negative mindset for young women? It's truly so sad. I often felt like a ghost living life when my ED consumed me. Like it was guiding me and I was following silently behind in its footsteps. A prisoner to it for almost 18 years, I can truly say hitting rock bottom helped me find my way up.
THANK YOU for being so open and honest. You are truly a beautiful person in every sense of the word. I agree with you that WELLNESS is more important than skinny, dieting, how we look, or what size jeans we wear. It's WHO WE ARE emotionally and physically.
YOU ROCK lady and that latest soup recipe you made- goodness- I'm putting those ingredients on my Whole Foods grocery list!!:)
LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU SWEET KATHY!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Heather! I actually stumbled upon your article while I was reading a few of @genahamshaw:disqus's GR posts just before publishing this! I was like, wow, I guess that makes sense, just another reason why we connect so well! Your story was amazing, beautiful, honest and just one of the many stories that INSPIRED me to hit the publish button on this post. ps. I sent your package yesterday, sorry the handwriting is horrible, I am still doing no-thumb writing 🙂 xoxox
Heather McClees says
Oh Kathy, that's so sweet! Thank you:) Gena is amazing and I find it so strangely wonderful that I found both of your blogs at the same time during a pivotal part of my recognition that I knew I needed help. You are such a special lady and I feel so blessed to have connected with you;) Thank you for the package!! I'm utterly thrilled!:) No worries about the handwriting, I'm not the neatest writer myself even without an injury😉
Kathy Patalsky says
Love that Heather 🙂 glad you like it! Xo
Karen Hovie says
Thank you for being brave enough to hit the "submit" button! I completely understand the trepidation you felt. I too, made the decision to hit submit as I wanted so strongly to make a difference in this world and give others hope. There's simply too many of us out there who have had our lives impacted by eating disorders. I am 47 years old and was hospitalized for the first time when I was 17 years old. Two years ago I suffered my last relapse. I get so frustrated with everything that pushes girls into believing that who they are is dependent on their weight or the size of their jeans. I'm sick of the media portraying emaciated women as "normal". I'm sick of photoshop giving us an image that cannot be attained (nor should it be). I'm tired of fad diets. As a teacher to preteen girls, I know I have a huge responsibility to live my life in a way that demonstrates that taking care of your body is a way to show self love, but at the same time help girls understand that who they are has nothing to do with what they look like. Rambling now, but you struck a nerve. Again...thank you...your words serve as an inspiration to so many.
Kathy Patalsky says
haha, sing it sister! 🙂 I am right there beside you saying "YES!" with each line I read. EDs for me, sadly, DID have a lot of influence from the media. I would come home after school and literally lie on the floor, eating fat-free microwaved popcorn and diet soda, flipping through fashion magazines, ogling the skinny models and wondering why I didn't look exactly like them. Or I would turn on TV and watch fashion shows with stick thin models thinking they were the only girls out there that were like me, suffering and driven by this strange disease. And now I see what is happening with #Thinspo hashtags on Instagram and it makes me so angry and sad. But ANYWAYS.. 🙂 I truly hope you are better now! It is crazy how the problems can linger into adulthood. I remember in high school i figured I could be healthy and happy by the time I went to college, but it literally stuck with me longer than I ever thought it would. It felt like a "good girl" drug to me. I never did drugs or smoked or had any sort of addiction problem, instead, my ED was my addiction. And even when I wanted it gone, it was still there. Girls do not realize that it can become an addiction! They may start with a diet hoping to "lose ten pounds" but suddenly you lose control. Missing the gym gives you anxiety and eating out of your comfort zone makes you scared. It was insanity. Annnnnd now I'M rambling 🙂 Thank you for your comment and for reading my post. Be well! xo
gittie says
Beautiful article! I would love to hear how you found this healthy happy vegan way of living!
Kathy Patalsky says
And I would love to share more! I will try to in the future. 🙂
Astha Saxena says
Hi Kathy, I have never commented here before but I have connected with Gena, and she has been a true inspiration to me as well through my own recovery 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your story, I do believe that it takes focus on an outward cause, or finding a purpose in life, to contribute to some of the healing. And I'm glad you found your's. I have my own blog (It would mean the world to me if you checked it out!:)), and I mention a little bit about my disorder but haven't had the courage to go into depth. One day, when I feel that I have left it sufficiently far behind, I hope to write a post nearly as well-worded as your's.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Astha! I just left a comment on your blog, it it beautiful 🙂 Thank you for reading my post and much wellness to you. xoxo
Lauren (@PoweredbyPB) says
Beautiful post, thanks for sharing. "It is up to us to turn our challenging experiences in life into positive outcomes" - Love that.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Lauren!
Jo @ Including Cake says
This is beautiful Kathy... a newly qualified health coach, having real world wellness conversation is exactly what I will reach out to people to do. I am also an overachieving perfectionist, I am lucky that whilst I am very hard on myself and can hit waves of depressive thoughts it has never manifested in anything more beyond that, however I can totally see how that could so easily turn for some. I hope this gives you the closure you deserve. xx
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much! It DOES give me closure! I have seriously been putting off this post for a few years now, but thank goodness for @genahamshaw:disqus who told me how empowering it would be for so many women. So I knew I had to do it 🙂 Luckily I think my perfectionism has lost its steam, and while I am still incredibly driven and ambitious, I have learned to just love my flaws and embrace those times when I am a total mess 🙂 Those are the things that make us human! And good luck as a health coach! You will be amazing!
Marina D says
Kathy,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't realize just how much we had in common. I struggled with the exact same issue my senior year of high school and into my freshman year of college. The healing process has been quite a journey for me, especially trying to gain back weight, but I am happy with the choices I made. You are such a strong person, and you are such an inspiration to all women.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you marina! Gosh I just replied to Natalie below who is also a "senior year in high school" girl. Such a tricky and stressful time!! Much love to you and thank you for the sweet comment. Keep going, wellness is so so worth every ounce of energy we put into it!! 🙂 xoxo
Natalie @ Feasting on Fruit says
You are so brave and so honest and so amazing!! You not only made this vegan feel supported and not alone, you made me feel so inspired. You were already my favorite blogger before this, and this just made me feel like I can relate to you as well as love all of your food creations. I saw so much of my own past and thoughts and habits and struggles in you story.
I too started restricting in my senior year of high school and lost my true self to my obsessive perfectionism. I wish I had realized the error of my ways sooner, but I didn't. Now in my third year of college I have made so much mental and emotional progress, but am still working on the physical progress.
Sharing personal things like this is soooo hard!! I have chickened out of publishing countless personal blog posts, and this beautiful post helps with my own confidence as a writer. I would love more conversations like this, and I would love to hear your recovery "How" conversation as well if that is something you are willing to share. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million for sharing 🙂
Kathy Patalsky says
Oh Natalie, I am so glad my story helped you!! I know it is SO hard when this all happens your senior year of high school because once you enter college you start a whole new journey and in some ways it feels like that journey is tainted from the struggles and messes that is going on in your head and body. For me, the path to success was a long and slow road for recovery. Years. And years of pretending I was doing my best for recovery when I really was not. But it is possible! I will be happy to continue this conversation in the future, based on the feedback/questions that comes to me. But I also want to STRESS that I am not an expert in this and I think getting expert advice from a therapist and nutritionist is SO SO important. But anyways, If I can leave you with a tiny bit of what helped me, eating small meals more often was a huge step, getting plenty of (vegan) protein (I was a very bad vegan early on and didn't know what I was doing nutritionally, I was lacking in protein, vitamin D and most likely vitamin B12.. less fortified foods back then!!) also, including plenty of healthy fats in my diet. I learned to embrace avocado and nuts and more. I was starved of healthy fats at first. Aaaand, it is funny, but also helpful in college, SMOOTHIES, huge help for me 🙂 Though I do not talk about that in my smoothie book, a giant protein smoothie was an easy way for me to get plenty of nutrients for studying and classes without having to really prepare an elaborate meal or get stressed out about calories. And also, I personally found myself eating alone a lot on school simply because I had such a crazy schedule with work and school and no roommates. But I think dining out with friends, cooking together, sharing that bonding experience of eating with others is a huge help for college students. Eating alone was a surefire way to disaster for me. Hope to share more insight in future conversations! much love to you!! xoxo
Natalie @ Feasting on Fruit says
Thank you for taking the time to respond and share a bit!
Yes the craziness of college does make it harder. I eat more than everyone else in my family now, without a second thought given to calories, I just haven't seen a lot of weight gain yet. But it'll happen!
Aimee Brimmer says
<3
Ello Shertzer says
I FREAKING LOVE YOU. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I don't even know where to begin! I have been following your blog for a few years; yours and Gena's blogs are my two absolute favorites. Anyways, I am currently recovering from an eating disorder that was basically brought about as a product of my perfectionism. My veganism was unrelated, although it would in some ways tie in with my ED. Although I'm in recovery, and the ED and the lonely feeling that accompanies it is slowly going away, I do feel like EDs are unnecessarily treated as taboo in our culture. I often wish that this was not the case. Having a support system of people who have suffered or who are suffering from EDs can be incredibly helpful for everyone involved. The only people I talk to about my ED are my therapist and family/close friends who have never gone through the same thing, so they have no way of knowing what it feels like; sometimes you really wish you could just connect with someone on this issue, so that the dark lonely feeling isn't so dark. It's a tricky and frustrating thing. And in terms of listening to your body, isn't it so wonderful when you finally realize that, wow, this body in which I live can do so much cool stuff!?! Anyways, in conclusion, I just want to reiterate that you are so awesome and brave for posting this. Thank you thank you thank you!
Kathy Patalsky says
Wow, I am so appreciative of your response Ello. I am so glad my story touched you and hopefully made you feel less alone! In our beauty-body-pressured, selfie-adoring-instagramming cultured society it is no wonder so many girls (and guys) have (and sadly will have) similar stories to tell. I am also so glad and proud of YOU for seeking treatment and seeing a therapist. Talking helps a lot. And actually taking the time to go to therapy is a commitment that you do have to put in effort to do, so bravo to you for that. I went a few times, but really only once I was basically recovered. I was too ashamed to seek real treatment early on so I had to get through things alone.
All I can say to people currently struggling is that YES, your experience with this will impact your entire life, but YOU CAN get better. THE SOONER THE BETTER. I put off truly dealing with things for a good few years and my body suffered for it, so I am a huge advocate for early intervention. If we can set girls on a healthier path to body awareness at a young age, then we may all be able to help them experience less pain than I certainly did.
Aimee Brimmer says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kathy. I have suffered from self esteem issues for over 37 years and I know it's not an easy road. I really hope you know how truly beautiful you are, inside & out. You mean a lot to so many people. You're an incredible human being! (((hugs)))
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Aimee. 🙂 That was a beautiful comment and much appreciated!
Ksenia of At the Immigrant's T says
Thank you for sharing this. I don't want to say too much as I'm still processing a lot of this, and reflecting on my own feelings, but I just wanted to thank you for being so brave and opening up.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Ksenia I can appreciate that!
Julia Ralston says
You are so right about listening to your body. It does tell us what is going on inside if we only listen. I had cancer, 18 years ago, and when I found the first lump I knew it was cancer before going to the doctor, but 8 months later after radiation and surgery I have been clean for ever since. Thank you for being so real and honest; you're right as young girls we go thru so much with image and self esteem, and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. I'm so happy I had found your blog, love your recipes, every one I have tried has been fantastic and I can't wait for your book. But you helped me too, last year I went vegetarian then a few months later vegan, and finding your blog was the ship that help guide me to the knowledge and support about nutrition and how important it is not only in helping our bodies but the animals and our planet we all share in. Big thanks!
Kathy Patalsky says
Wow Julia, that must have been a frightening experience. I am so glad you found my blog and it has been a resource for you! Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing your own. Well wishes to you!
Catherine Rios says
Thank you for sharing your story Kathy! I understand your struggle and went through the same thing. I hope others read your post and realize that they too can heal themselves like you did! xoxo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Catherine, that is exactly my hope as well!
Dreena Burton says
Kathy, absolutely no shame, or blame. Your story will resonate with many, and hopefully help initiate change in our culture and the pressures we put on young girls and women. Our struggles shape us to reach a new place, and what a beautiful outcome when you can heal yourself while helping others. Thanks for sharing.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Dreena! Writing this post I was uncomfortably aware for the first time ever how much shame I had leftover from 15 years ago! It surprised me so much, as I like to think if myself as a person that will openly talk about anything! So when I realized THAT I knew I had to just post it already. And the second I did I didn't have any fear anymore and was like, oh good, that's done! Boom. And hopefully a new conversation will begin for many, from it. Xo
Kimberly Toombs says
Thank you Kathy. That makes so much sense! There is so much conflicting information out there about what is "healthy" today. It can be quite confusing. Again, love the post and will read the one on why you became a vegan. Thank you for being so genuine!
L @ Beautiful Plant-Based Life says
Kathy, thanks for sharing your story and for your thoughts on "wellness". I know what it's like to stare at that publish button, wondering, "Am I really ready to share this?" I recently decided to write about my struggle to become a mother and the baby I lost in the spring, due to a miscarriage. As you said, the connections we make with one another are incredibly important. In my opinion, the difficult experiences that inspired many of us to follow a vegan a diet are a perfect example of #WellnessGetsReal!
Kathy Patalsky says
so true! Vegans are indeed very wellness aware in general, so there are plenty of stories to tell for sure.
Ya, it was quite funny how I could not press that publish button! I kept tweaking words and sentences and dreading that it was just way too many words for one post, but in the end it doesn't matter if the words are perfect, just that the message gets across.
And good job on your blogpost! I will have to find and read it! The entire baby/mother/pregnancy topic is a #WellnessGetsReal subject that is very common among my friends and myself right now, so maybe in the future there will be some blogposts about all that! I love reading those stories because they empower and comfort me right now! 🙂
Vandy says
Here is the question I think a lot of girls may struggle with when reading posts like this: how do you do it? how do you start to heal and as you so truthfully put it, crawl out of the "rabbit hole"? I think that a lot of girls can recognize that they are truly struggling with self-esteem but just don't know what to do to change their situation.
Kathy Patalsky says
Yup. That is the question I think everyone ever touched by an eating disorder ponders and struggles to find the answer to. The truth is there is no one answer. As I said in a comment above, I am a HUGE advocate for early intervention. Just basically by the fact that the more years you abuse your body the more damage you will be doing, and the more adjusted you will become to being sick! But these things often start in young women and teenagers and college students are very tough shells to crack. It can be hard to reach them. And every personality is different. And eating disorders are such a secretive business, and those who have them are EXPERTS at hiding them. But admitting you have a problem is a huge first step.
I think I was lucky because I truly started my entire eating journey, and disorder even, by wanting to get healthy. Reading about nutrition. Learning wellness facts. But suddenly I needed to be the perfect dieter, eating the perfect foods etc. So in some sense I really did just want to be healthy, but something snapped and I lost that focus.
Wanting to heal is also something that just snaps in your brain. For me, I just got sick and tired of feeling like CRAP. And that is what EDs do to you. They make you feel like crap. Sooner or later that feeling will hit you. And it is your job to make a decision to want to get healthy again. TRULY healthy. No holds barred path to wellness.
Gaining weight is a scary thing for someone struggling. The scariest part in fact. And not every ED person is even underweight. But weight gain can be a huge part of recovery, even if it is a temporary weight gain. My weight has fluctuated a great deal during the past ten years and that has always been a struggle for me. But the key for me was to stop analyzing the outside and JUST analyze the inside. How did I feel? That is what matters at the end of the day when you are alone in your bed, just you and your body. If you feel well and healthy and happy, your weight and size doesn't matter. It is hard for young girls to realize this, but it is so true.
(sorry that was a very long reply, but I just so want to help people find some answers, even though I know I do not have them all.) thank you for the comment!
Amelia Katz says
Thank you for sharing your story, Kathy; it was very brave of you! I hope that sharing this relieved you of the burden that you've been in your heart and soul. I have been struggling with anorexia nervosa since seventh grade. I am now in my senior year of high school! I never thought I would make it this far. I became vegan early tenth grade, and I attribute that decision to catalyzing my true journey to healing. I have never found such meaning in life as I do now! I am very glad that you extracted yourself from your disorder. I hope that you are fully recovered now! I am no longer as ashamed of speaking out and naming myself as a warrior against eating disorders. On one level, they feel so superficial, I'm afraid people will find me appearance-obsessed. I actually underwent such a transformation during my journey! I am no longer the 13 year old girl whose life revolved around actresses and looking good in front of boys. I don't seek to make girls jealous of me, although the desire is still strong. I just want to be healthy so that I can change the world for animals and heal the wounds of our planet as much as I can in my lifetime! I love you and your blog! Never worry about the judgement from others! All your blog readers love you endlessly, and I am certain many women have histories of disordered eating, if not full-blown eating disorders. Those women must be grateful for your honest admission. I am happy to know that there is a "happy healthy life" for me after my disorder. It still has much control over my life right now, but I have been mostly successful in taking the reigns again. Thank you for your dedication to us readers! I love you! Stay well.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank You Amelia! I want to first send you so much love and big hugs. Secondly, I want to comment on an important thing you said. How you were afraid people would think people with EDs to be appearance obsessed.
Oh gosh. It is so funny. Our SOCIETY is indeed appearance obsessed. It is hard to not care about what you look like on some level. But in truth, that level of societal vanity has little to do with true, deep eating disorders. And it makes absolutely no sense to think ED people are any more shallow or vain than the rest of the world. It is just not the case.
And secondly, the truth is, when I was at a very low weight and looked in the mirror I knew I looked like crap. My hair was brittle, my skin pale and purple, my eyes looked hollow and sad and my muscles had been emancipated. But even still, I worked furiously to keep myself that way. So to think EDs are about appearance is a ridiculous notion. Low self esteem may have roots in wanting to "look better" but the ED path is something much deeper and darker than ones own vanity.
Anyways, I just wanted to comment on that because I had the same fear while writing. Wait, do I sound vain and superficial?? But that is just not the true face of EDs.
Thank you again and please keep spreading that sunshine of yours for a healthy happy life all over the place sweet thing! xoxo
Sarah Ferris says
Yes, I have seen my daughter use vegan foods at first to try to perpetuate her ed, but then as she began to become better nourished her attitude became more positive- omega oils and more vitamins and minerals. Also, veganism affects the consciousness like no other diet, I am sure of it- enhances spirituality and compassion, included having compassion for oneself...
Sarah Ferris says
Thanks for the sharing- that was well worth hovering over the "publish" button; many will benefit from your words 🙂 I suffered with eds for years and my teenage daughter (also vegan) is currently struggling with ed/ depression. It's even harder these days with fb, Twitter and Instagram demanding a constant stream of beautiful selfies, and all too easy to judge oneself by the number of "likes" they get. For me, having a baby ended years of mental torture, and I began to love and respect my body for the miracle it had performed. For my daughter, veganism and creating art about body image and gender stereotypes seem finally to be doing the trick... self esteem is probably the most important milestone on the journey towards true compassion, as it enables us to share the love. (Hippy but true!)
Kathy Patalsky says
Sarah I completely agree! Instagram makes me cringe sometimes when I see the pressure put on young girls and older girls! And the attention paid to instagrammers who post skinny fitness photos and keep fitness standards so high. And the before/after photo trend. There is no such thing as an after photo, our bodies are always changing! And a photo doesn't show anything that is going on in someone's head, positive or negative.
Best of luck to your daughter, it sounds like she is in good hands, though I know it is hard. ART! I love how you mentioned that. Art was a HUGE part if healing for me. Painting, cooking and drawing. I even went to art school for a year bc it was so pivotal!
Love to you both, thank you for sharing!! Xo
Sarah Ferris says
Thanks Kathy- keep those inspirational posts coming x0
vegyogini says
Thank you for showing the raw, vulnerable you. <3
Lisa @ The Meaning of Me says
There are far too many young girls and women who can relate to your story, even if on a small level, Kathy. I read this, I just read another blog post from a young woman who is struggling with similar issues, and I also saw the Dove Real Beauty Sketches video somewhere online today. How's that for coincidence?
It makes me sad that so many struggle with self-esteem issues and self-image issues that drive them to these sad places. Kudos to you for sharing your story and encouraging others to take positive steps.
Kathy Patalsky says
Ahhh that is a trifecta Lisa. I can't even imagine going through all that in today's Instagram-selfie obsessed culture. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with things like this nowadays. It is a sad reality. But hopefully we can all work in baby steps to change things!
jenniferthurmansebestyen says
Thanks for sharing! I have a feeling MANY MANY girls can relate to this.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for that! It makes me sad that you are probably right. But also glad that I chose to post.
Kimberly Toombs says
Thanks for sharing this Kathy. I too have a similar story. I have come to realize much later in life (I'm 39) that I never felt like I was enough to be loved. I had to be someone else, look like someone else to be lovable. It's a lot of pressure to live up to because you can never be yourself and I still find myself trying to work through it. To feel worth without feeling like I have to do something to earn it. I also understand the self hate. It takes a lot of that to starve yourself and I had a pretty healthy dose of it. I think I felt I didn't deserve to eat because in my mind I was fat. I too still struggle with some of the lingering damage of this, but strive to be well. To love myself no matter what, but it is hard.
If I can ask why do you think a vegan diet helped you on this journey vs. let's say a Paleo low-carb or any of the other diet trends? Maybe you have posted on this issue before and if I have missed it I apologize. Again, thanks for speaking out. It got my mind spinning and it encouraged me to keep reaching for wellness not an image.
Kathy Patalsky says
Great question Kimberly! I personally found that my plant based diet helped by 1) keeping things simple for me. Even while I was still sick, I acknowledged that vegan foods were all pretty "safe" foods for anyone with food issues. So that helped a lot. I didn't have to stress about monitoring things. Then once I was healed, so to speak, those foods simply continued to balance and nourish me in a way that sat right with my soul. And that's 2)... My love of animals has always given me vegetarian tendencies ever since I was a child, so being vegan just fits with how my spirit works.
I know vegan is not the perfect fit for every person, but I agree with people like Gena, that there may be a connection between ED recovery and how a vegan diet can possibly aide it.
Hope that answers your question. Thank you for the beautiful comment! Ps my "why I am vegan" post is linked in my sidebar
Rabbit Food For My Bunny Teeth says
I'm so proud of you for pressing post! You are such a beautiful writer, and your story will help so many people who are going through similar struggles. "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." -The Help.
Kathy Patalsky says
Love you bunny. And thank you for the support!
Gena Hamshaw says
So proud of you for sharing this, my dear. All the love to you!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Gena, you know I love you crazy much. Xo