Back in the kitchen. My first time in ten days. Easy no-bake recipe. I started off with, well, cookie dough. Gluten free, vegan, raw, no-bake cookie dough bites with a melty (non-raw) chocolate drizzle on top. These bite-sized or bar-shaped sweet treats are filled with spices, nuts, sweet dates and cacao or maca. They are perfect quickie snacks for boosting your energy and satisfying hunger pangs. Go-to snacking for nibblers like me. Store them in the freezer and grab one or a few as a high-energy, healthy-delicious snack. These bites are also great served as an after school treat for kids. What kid wouldn't want to come home to a plate of cookie dough?
I have two flavors to share today, Double Cacao and Classic Blondie cookie dough.
Plus my latest update on little Nelly (follows the recipe)...
First off. It is SO hard acting "normal" (aka blogging recipes) with a kitty cat with CANCER. I hate that word so I tend to shout it now. I really don't want to be cooking right now, I'm not really, but quickie recipes like this provide a brief kitchen distraction and make me feel a bit less swamped in sadness. And the recipe provides a wonderful grab-n-go snack for my busy kitty caretaking schedule. But seriously guys, I'm SO SO SO in denial. It is impossible to switch back over to dreary sad Kathy with a kitty that looks gorgeous and fluffy-furred and acts normal right now. Each day like THIS is precious. Read more below the recipe to see how Nellster is doing.
Nelly yesterday, in her fave late afternoon spot..
--
But for this moment of acting normal.. Distraction recipe, and GO.
Cookie. Dough. Always. Please. Some very tasty bars and bites for quickie snacking. Busy schedule people, get excited. (Photo Note: these guys were not fully frozen/chilled when photoshot. Just a good hour in the fridge and they firmed up to a chewy-delicious bar-like state.)
Chocolate-Drizzled Cookie Dough Bars.
Or Bites:
Cacao or Blondie versions:
Simple:
Or chocolate-splashed:
Other cookie-dough inspired recipes:
* Cookie dough pumpkin cheesecake.
* Or use these cookie dough bites in quickie cookie dough ice cream or blizzard:
Recipe first. My latest Nelly update follows the recipe.
Blondie-Spice Raw Cookie Dough Bites
vegan, makes about 20 balls or 10 bars
1 cup raw cashews
¼ cup warm water
7 large Medjool dates, pitted - lightly soaked in hot water
½ banana
2-3 tablespoon organic virgin coconut oil, cold-pressed/raw - softened or melted
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon real vanilla extract or 1 vanilla bean (pod scraped of seeds)
¼ teaspoon orange or lemon zest
⅛ teaspoon salt
dash of cayenne (optional)
1-2 teaspoon maca powder (optional)
Warmly Spiced Cacao Raw Cookie Dough Bites
vegan, makes about 20 balls or 10 bars
1 cup raw almonds
2-3 tablespoon warm water
10 large Medjool dates, pitted - lightly soaked in hot water
1 tablespoon organic virgin coconut oil, cold-pressed/raw - softened or melted
2 tablespoon raw organic cacao powder
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
⅛ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon real vanilla extract or 1 vanilla bean (pod scraped of seeds)
dash of cayenne (optional)
1-2 teaspoon maca powder (optional)
Toppings - Also for both recipes:
* vegan chocolate chips
* optional chocolate drizzle 3 parts chocolate chips + 1 part coconut oil - melted until smooth.
Directions:
1. Tools: I actually made these using my Vitamix. You have to add a bit more liquid (water or oil) than if you made in a food processor - so as not to overheat the motor - but it does work. Either appliance will work. If you have a powerful food processor, use that, or try a high speed blender - adding more liquid if needed. Tip: the coconut oil is what helps these balls firm up when chilled, so don't be afraid of adding more oil if you want them more rich and decadent - just do not omit the oil or you will be left with a very soft paste that never fully chills/hardens.
2. Pit your dates and soak them in some warm water for 1-2 minutes. Melt or soften coconut oil. Add the nuts to your appliance and grind until fine to slightly chunky (depending on your tastes.
3. Next add in the remaining ingredients and process until smooth yet chunky.
4. For bars: Oil your freezing container with coconut oil. (brownie or cake pans or glass square dishes work well - freezer friendly only) - spread mixture in dish. Place in freezer until firm enough to slice. Serve or store on parchment paper. Add chocolate drizzle to cold bars if desired - the chocolate drizzle will firm up quickly upon contact with the cold bar.
For balls: Freeze until cool and firm enough to handle. Using your hands or a cookie dough scooper, mold into balls. Add vegan chocolate chips on top and line up on a plate. Freeze until you are ready to enjoy.
5. Serve straight from freezer or warm at room temperature for a few minutes to soften. Store in fridge or freezer. Freezer is best in my opinion.
Also try this bar recipe - Almond Butter Energy Bars
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NELLYcat update - 9/3/13 (updating you on info from this post)
Nellycat. Right now a perky little Nellster is rolling around inside the giant box that our new IQair air purifier came in. She looks as happy as can be with her arms sprawled across the cool brown surface, and her black tail flapping back and forth as her fuzzy face rests on her paw, her winter white whiskers stretching across her dark fur. Her green eyes half-open as a calm and content kitty expression lays on her face. I loudly giggled at her cuteness and in response she stretched out her arms, white paws reaching as long as they could go, claws stretching gracefully as she rolled on her back just before plopping down in a long full-body sprawl, soaking into the luxurious, velvety brown cardboard.
So with that, and everything else. Day-to-day Nelly is GREAT. More than great. It is the not so distant future that leaves my frozen.
Thank you for all the loving comments on this post. I continue to read each and every one of them and I am so touched by the amount of people who are thinking of Nelly. I am also thankful to all the people who have shared with me the stories of their own very special animal-human bonds. Some of your stories leave me glowing in hope and others weeping in sadness for the losses you have suffered. These little creatures are pets who are not just "pets" but truly members of the family and for some, angels in disguise. These sort of bonds are such gifts to have in a lifetime. I feel so much less alone and frightful about the future thanks to you guys reaching out and sharing. But I am still scared shitless.
I am scared to death of what happens when Nelly's health starts to decline - and I am praying the doctors are WRONG about how soon that could be. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle what is to come, but I know I have to dig up some strength and remember the words and comfort you all have sent me, if you guys can get through it, so can I. I think. I will. I will for Nelly, Nelly the brave.
(It is not easy to write all this stuff. It makes it all REAL. And painful. But hopefully blogging my family's journey of this kitty cancer will help someone going through similar events. Hopefully you will feel less alone. I hope my sharing helps someone.)
Holistic Vet. Since chemo and surgery are not options for Nelly, yesterday we had an appointment at the Holistic Vet in west LA. Dr. Marc Bittan is simply amazing. Such a smart, honest, compassionate doctor who clearly knows his stuff when it comes to sick (and healthy!) animals of all sorts. He sat and talked with us for over and hour and shared much of his experiences with cats like Nelly.
Sadly though he was very honest about what he can and cannot do to help.
Scenario A) Some miracle happens and when Nelly gets her follow-up chest Xray in two weeks, the "cotton ball-like" formations in Nelly's lungs turn out to be not cancer or simply stop growing and multiplying. If this miracle scenario happens, then there is hope for Nelly since half of her liver is still functioning and we could "possibly" slow or stop the tumor growth in the liver via the natural meds Dr.Bittan prescribes. Chinese medicine, homeopathic and more.
I believe in miracles and "cancer doing strange things," as one doctor said. So I still cling to this scenario with all my heart.
Scenario B) Predicted by the doctors. Everyone seems to think that indeed the stupid liver cancer has metastasized to Nelly's lungs and when we get our Xray the ball formations will have either grown or multiplied, eventually making it harder and harder for Nelly to breath. 🙁 God I hate even thinking of this right now.
And Dr.Bittan says if this is the case, there is nothing he can do since cancer that has spread to the lungs is fast-acting and cannot be stopped. Heartbreaking. Nelly's primary cancer is liver cancer, but the lungs are actually the bigger problem now.
Which scares me to death.
She seems to be breathing perfectly fine now, with a few rare dry coughs that she has been having for years. Hairballs? We rush ordered an IQair air purifier just to keep things extra allergen-free in here. I also tossed ALL of her silica crystal cat litter. I started reading that silica dust is incredibly harmful to humans so I can only imagine what it does to kitty cats. I am now using Nature's Miracle. She tolerates it quite well and it is dust free. Plus I like the name. I haven't changed her food, she has always eaten natural, high-quality brands, so I'm safe there. Nelly's pill and meds schedule is intense. Insulin, denmarin, B12, herbals and more. I am so in awe of the fact that she isn't hiding from me at all even though I'm sure I'm annoying her a little with all the caretaking duties. Such a brave and strong soul she has.
Fast and Horrible. I keep wondering how all this happened so fast. We had just taken her in a few months ago for blood work and a checkup and everything was fine! Even her liver numbers. Then suddenly last week, they skyrocketed. How did her liver cancer start so suddenly?? Too many questions swirling around in my brain right now. But I guess that is just the evilness of cancer. It starts in a sneaky way and suddenly shows its black claws and takes over the body. Sometimes slowly and sometimes very quickly.
Carefree Time. The past year has been so awesome for me and life in general. Now this turns everything upside down. It reminds me to appreciate every second for what it is and realize that life can go from perfect to horrible in a flash. Just a few weeks ago I had a photo shoot done for my bio pics. I was SO freaking happy that day. I rushed home after the shoot to my husband and kitty and everything was perfect. This Kathy now seems like lightyears away...
So after all this with Nelly. How am I doing? Well.
Last night I lost it. I was doing so well being positive - happy, in denial Kathy. But I was also so hopeful that the holistic vet would give some better news. But his honest response that there is nothing anyone can do once it enters the lungs really dove a knife through my heart. Just writing that sentence kills me and brings tears to my eyes. So that evening when my husband got home from work, I was curled up with Nelly (we have such wonderful days lately with her still feeling fine) such a blessing. But one small bit of stress (I was having trouble giving her usual evening insulin shot because she had just had enough poking and prodding and pilling - she kept crying at me) - and I just lost it.
Sobbing. Crying. Shouting into my pillow that this just isn't FAIR. How can such a sweet innocent creature who still has so much life left to live and love yet to give be struck down by such a sudden life-taking disease? How can this fuzzy little ball of light who has never done any wrong in her life leave me with cancer growing inside her, taking over her precious body. And I started thinking of all the pets out there who have to die not knowing what is happening to them, their owners left broken and hollow inside.
Yeah, so I totally lost it. Once you lose your grip and stop the constant juggling, all the balls fall down and it is hard to pick them back up.
NellyLove. But is amazing. In those moments when I was sobbing, Nelly strolled in from the other room, came right up to my face and looked me in the eyes as she meowed to me again and again as if to ask me why I was upset. Or maybe she knew. I keep telling her that this is not her fault and I would do anything to fix this if I could. I know she can't "understand" my words. But I know she understands me on an even deeper level. Dr. Bittan remarked how truly unexplainable the strong, deep bond is between some humans and their pets. I have never had such a profound bond with any of my other cats or pets as I have with Nelly.
So what next? Well I have been a crazy lady caretaking this kitty. Meds, feeding small meals all day long, fur brushing, cat-nip rolling, scratchy post playing, window sunbeams, Reiki music sunbeam naps and more. I know I am just LOADED with adrenalin and stress hormones lately that keep me going at full speed. I know its not healthy, that my body can only take so much, but I can't help it. I just can't let up. I have to keep going. Giving her every chance she has. Every shot at staying well for as long as possible.
We will go in for a chest Xray in two weeks. That will be the final say test that crushes all my hope.
But I'm still being POSITIVE LOVING AND BRAVE for Nelly. Even though she is sick, she makes me so happy every second I am with her.
The most frustrating thing about this is that with ALL the pumped up wellness things I've been doing for her lately, supplements, oils, green mush and more her fur is crazy gorgeous, and she has great energy and appetite. She is doing SO well on the outside. It just doesn't make any sense what is going on inside her gentle body. It just breaks my heart.
xo ~k
Olivia Maria says
Do you think I could make the Blondie-Spice Raw Cookie Dough Bites and to put in mason jars for gifts to coworkers? I worry about handing them out in the morning and possibly having them sit out (not in a freezer) all day.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Adriane she IS a little princess! 🙂 Thanks for saying so. xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Jackie, thanks for the positive thoughts and hugs xoxo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Richa, much appreciated xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks lisa xo
Kathy Patalsky says
omg I LOVE your comment. SO wise and nurturing. I agree with you 100% - it is so nice to hear others say things like that..
"One thing I learned through my furbaby's sickness is that animals are
ethereal beings; they don't function on the same level humans do --
mentally -- and their energy is on a different plane than ours. They are
capable of feeling love and pain and sadness, but they are much more
matter of fact and logical than us. For me and my little love, the
illness was harder on me than it was on him."
Thank you for your words and love xoxo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much - we are keeping hope! And her coat is freaking amazing. She had a few worn down stops on the bottom of her feet a month ago - the fur is back and fluffier than ever. I hope what you say is true!!!! xoxo
PonderWhy says
I'm praying it's so. I'm proud of you for standing strong. Your recipe posts look amazing. It's outstanding that you can still have such quality output considering what you are juggling right now. Let us know about Lovely Nelly often, even if it's just a photo. She's in all our hearts now.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Amy xo (sorry for the tears, but your soul is sweet that you shed some for me and Nelly)
Kathy Patalsky says
Hm, I am not a maca expert so I wouldn't know that answer. I personally probably would wait until they are older, but like i said - I am not a maca expert. I love maca in my smoothies too 🙂 Not sure dosage for kids or toddlers though.
Thank you Tracy xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Evie. Sorry I made you cry, but I'm glad also that I touched your sweet heart. Thank you for all the love xoxoxo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Caitlin. Nelly sends you purrs. xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Deb big hugs to you xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Slinky, so sorry cancer took your kitty so quickly from you.
Thanks for the hugs and sweet words xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw thanks John, comment away on anything you'd like! I know it feels terribly odd to be posting recipes alongside Nelly updates, but in a way food reflects life, so it all goes hand in hand. even in times of struggle, we still have to eat right? It helps us heal and fuel ourselves for the fight ahead.
So do not feel bad - I am always excited for a food lovign comment 🙂
xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks LindsayLuWho. I know. The denial is so freaking unhealthy for my mind right now. It has gotten really bad too. I basically just imagine everything is normal, otherwise I start to think about what the doctors said and start crying and all this NEGATIVE energy leaves my body and I'm sure Nelly picks it up.
I am sorta acting nowadays. Well I hope it is more of a reality show than acting. I imagine Nelly is cancer ridden but all this good things I am doing really ARE healing her! I imagine the tumor shrinking. The lesions fading and Nelly's vibrant immunity returning. Lets hope the power of the mind and energy works..
xo
LyndsayLuWho says
I sent you a message to your FB 'other' file that has a suggestion- a wacky, nontraditional one- that you might (!) want to consider. See what you think... and here's to hoping that today is a good day with Nelly. The caregiving routine sounds very rough and I feel for you, your husband and Nelly. Cancer SUCKS!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Maggie, I am so sorry for the pain you had in leaving your pup. I know how that feels to just KNOW and feel such sadness. My bff had a similar situation with her cat when going off to college. But I know that dog also just KNEW how much she was loved by you and your family. Pets always know.
Yes this community of animal lovers is AMAZING. I feel so so so thankful and blessed for all you guys. xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Nina xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Hi Jen and furbabies. "We had an extraordinary bond and he was magical." Oh I love that. It is magical and amazing and life-changing to have such a strong bond. Wow 18 years is great. That is such a long relationship which I'm guessing makes adjusting to life without them even more difficult. I appreciate the comment - the meds are SO hard. I currently have to:
-give her two insulin shots a day for her diabetes
- orally give 2 pills - TWICE a day
- make sure she eats often, which can involve hand feeding her, putting stuff on her paw constantly so she licks it off and basically coaxing her into mealtimes as much as possible
- plus a few added things like healthy oils, green mush, liquid supplements and more.
It is SO hard. Geez caretakers are amazing people. I have never been the point person for CANCER - but dammit I will do everything possible to kick it in the butt with Nelly.
Thank you for the thoughts and love. Nelly sends purrs xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Kathie, I appreciate that xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Heather, that is AMAZING. Brought tears to my eyes to hear that. It is truly amazing the blessings that can come out of loss and heartbreak. Healing comes in mysterious ways. My thoughts are with sweet Gracie, what a long and amazing bond you shared together. So glad you have a new soul to add to your huge heart. xoxo
Heather McClees says
I'm so glad to know my words brought some comfort. Thank you for your empathy:) I hope to have another dog just like Gracie one day. Until then, I'll love my little bunches here that we have at home just like they were the children I'll probably never have:) PRAYING FOR YOU AND NELLY!!!!:) Lots of love to you both<3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Julie xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Lena. I am so touched by your comment. I think a lot of people try to hold back from getting too close to their pets for various reasons.
But I can tell you that falling in love whole-heartedly with Nelly has been one of the most special relationships in my life. It has fostered a connection to an animal that is not a human - but in a way that is just as important as many of my human relationships. My husband always jokingly says "I like Nelly more than people!" whenever he gushes about how he fell in love with her. He never had any pets as a child, and never ever thought he could love A CAT so much.
So "just a dog" or "just a cat" sounds like something society would accept - but I believe that is changing. And with that relationship intensity comes a greater sadness and heartbreak when we lose them in the end.
Anyways, thank you for your honest comment and I am SO happy your son is enjoying the smoothies!! xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Oh Missy you sweet thing. Thomas loves you and THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have obviously given him so much love. The worst thing you can do is think "what if" and let all those anxieties riddle your brain and crash through all the happy memories in your heart.
Thomas sounds like Nelly. "He is the most innocent and loving creature I have ever met in my life." It is so upsetting when the extra gentle and dependent pets get some disease. I keep thinking Nelly thinks I should be fixing this for her since I fix EVERYTHING else in her life.
I agree with you that this is freaking HARD. It makes me want to scream and punch things. It makes no sense. Praying for you and your Thomas. XOXO thank you for the love. Nelly sends you purrs.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks Lisa. So sorry you lost your childhood kitty. I remember losing my childhood kitty Grey. He just stopped eating too and we never found out what was wrong. So sad, you never forget those sad days. Grey died on StPatricks Day when I was in 7th grade. I have always been sad on StPatty's day since then!
But I'm glad you keep those happy memories strong. I try to as well. I think in the end, you have to remember that those happy memories are so much stronger and more powerful than the sad times. With those happy moments in our hearts and minds we are forever blessed.
So glad you like 365 Vegan Smoothies! 🙂
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks chels - ZEN, trying so hard!! Thanks for the reminder. xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Gail, so sorry for your losses. Cancer and pets is just so heartbreaking.
I think I believe in miracles, though I've never witnessed one. Well maybe little things that seem like huge blessings and surprises. But even if "miracles" are a stretch for some people - I DO believe in cancer, illness and our bodies doing amazing, head-scratching things. I have certainly seen that before. I believe cancer can be kicked in the ass and I hope Nelly somehow finds some healing powers to survive as the happy kitty she is for much longer than those doctors predict. I keep referencing Kris Carr whose liver and lungs were littered with lesions. She is an inspiring cancer survivor. Crazy Sexy Cancer is a must watch.
Nelly thanks you for the hug.
Kathy Patalsky says
D - aw thank you so much. I am so glad Nelly has somehow wiggled her way into your heart. I am hoping for a miracle too. Thank you for the love xo
Kathy Patalsky says
Baylie, that was such a worthy story to share. I am so so so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. It is not fair to have these sweet innocent angels in our lives taken from us so suddenly and tragically. It just doesn't make any sense, and is so unfair.
I think when most people adopt pets they envision the animals dying of old age. And while that surely is anticipated as sad and soul-crushing - it also feels natural. But when these kind creatures die of cancer, heart ailments and other things it just seems extra stinging.
If there is ONE thing I have learned through all this - it is that I am actually feeling VERY ODDLY lucky. Lucky that I have this time with Nelly. To treasure her ebvery second of my day while she is still herself. I feel so lucky that I know about her cancer, that we went in for a routine check-up and diabetes blood work-up and caught the cancer before it consumed her.
Thank you for the comment and for sharing your story. Much love, prayers and thoughts to you and those special pets who survive in your heart. And I am so glad you are able to adopt more and more cats - what a loving, strong and brave soul and heart you have.
xoxo
Gail Dato says
I haven't been on your sight for awhile and just read about Nellie. I know what you are going through having lost several pets to cancer. I still cry for them all. I don't believe in miracles but I hope you find yours. Give Nellie a hug for me. Gail Dato
chels @ chelrabbit.com says
Hey Kath - just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and Nelly and wishing you both calmness and healthy thoughts. Try not to worry about "what will or might happen" and just enjoy the Nelly you have now ... try to be zen as much as you can. You can't change anything, so don't waste energy on trying to. Just be in the present moment as much as possible. I know - it's easy for me to say - but try to find comfort in nell's present happiness.
love,
elli-cat's and harriet-dog's mom,
chels
Lisa Robinson says
I'm am so sad to hear about your Nelly Cat. I recently lost my childhood cat. She slowly stopped eating and lost most of her weight. They never did figure out what was wrong. It's hard to say good-bye to our loved pets/family members. But I am thankful for all the cuddle time I had with her before the sad day came. Remember all your beautiful and peaceful moments with her. Great job on staying positive and living in the moment. Nelly is lucky to have you as a caretaker. You are making her life the best that it can be! Hang in there, positive thoughts your way!
On another note--I was in a local bookstore today, and as usual, found myself in the cookbook section just browsing when I found a beautiful blueberry smoothie staring back at me from the table! I was so excited to see your book in a local shop! It was the only one there, so I snagged it up. I have already read your intro, great story! I'm so excited to make them all! Thanks for such a great book. I love your posts, pics and recipes--they all just look so good!
Baylie Martin says
Here I find myself, sitting at my desk, reading your blog and crying my eyes out. I am so
sorry to learn of the recent events that have unfolded regarding Nelly’s
health. I hope that everyone reading your posts and updates will send positive
thoughts and energy your way; maybe she can be that miracle case after all. I believe that everything happens for a
reason, and I’m sure that there is absolutely, positively, without a doubt no
better home for Nelly than with you, for however long her life may be. I myself (in 2008) suddenly lost 2 young cats
to a heart disease called HCM (found prevalently in Maine Coons, which they
were). No warning, no signs or symptoms; one minute my precious baby girl was
playing on the floor, rolling around being the goofball she always was, and the
next minute she was gasping for breath as her lungs filled up with water
(unbeknownst to me at the time what was happening) and her back legs became paralyzed.
We rushed her to the emergency vet across town (the only place open at 10 PM on
a Friday night in Nashville), but she had passed before we even pulled into the
parking lot. I can’t explain the pure, unadulterated feeling of heartbreak I
experienced as we walked out of that vets office, leaving the blanket she was
wrapped in behind because I couldn’t bear to think about having it near me – as
though it was somehow a bad omen. We still had her brother at home, seemingly
healthy. They were litter mates; spending
their days together, never apart. Always playing, sleeping and eating
together. As strong as our bond was,
theirs was stronger. When we got home,
the boy looked up at us, looked down at our empty arms, and proceeded to look
around the corner and out the door. I fell to my knees and just broke down,
sobbing uncontrollably. He knew, and he spent the next 4 weeks of his life
moping around the apartment. This was almost equally as heartbreaking to watch
as it was to lose our girl in the first place. I took a week of work (some
people would call me crazy, but I literally could not function. I had lost a
family member, and I know the standard “bereavement leave” is 3 days, but I needed
a week. Period) and immediately got him tested for the known gene mutation that caused this awful disease (undetectable by blood tests and scans or ultra-sounds of the heart, we had to do a saliva swab). 3 weeks and 6 days later good news came in – the test was negative! I
cannot tell you how happy I was that it took so long for the test results to
come back, because the day after they did – exactly one month after our girl
died – we lost him. At least I didn’t spend weeks thinking all would be ok, that
he would live a full and healthy life, only to have the somewhat happy ending
ripped out from under me. They obviously hadn’t identified all the gene
mutations that caused this disease yet, and my babies must have had the “unidentified”
ones (I call them babies because they were both just over 1 year old, practically
still kittens). The second time it was a little easier to deal with, because I
almost expected it. Never the eternal optimistic (back then – things have since
changed from my outlook) I knew from the start that if she had it, he must have
had it. The vet told us it was a hereditary disease, and seeing as how they
were brother and sister… Well, my mind just couldn’t see the “positive” future
as easily as other may have.
I hope this post didn’t drag you down. I guess my point in telling this story is
I wanted to say it does get better. Time really does heal all wounds. I know
you know this, we all do. But sometimes it helps to hear it. Again, and again,
and again. I went on to adopt another
wonderful cat, who I absolutely adore and am head over heels in love with (dare
I say just as much as the two I so tragically lost all those years ago). I have had him for 2 years now and our bond goes beyond that of a normal human-animal relationship. Who knows, maybe part of his soul is the reincarnation of one or both of my late beloved kittens (whose names were Delilah and Romeo, by the way).
I truly mean this from the bottom of my heart; I will send all my loving, healing
and positive energy your way in the next few weeks. Maybe coupled with all the
other thoughts and prayers we can pull out a miracle here! Xoxoxoxo
Baylie
Missy Jayne Patrick says
oh cathy I know exactly what you're going through :'( :'( :'( I have the most precious baby. He's always been a baby. Always cries for me, always needs to snuggle in the quilt to go to sleep at night with me. He is the most innocent and loving creature I have ever met in my life. His name is Thomas and he is a siamese mix. I adopted him as a tiny baby from someone who didn't want him and since then he's been my little boy. He's 12 now and has kidney disease that is destroying his body :'( :'( and there's nothing I can do about it but watch him die. Sorry if this is incoherent, I can't hold back crying while I type this. He's always been super playful and curious and loving life. He always wants whatever food I have and sits on the edge of the chair begging and holding out his paw. I couldn't resist that face and would always give him a little bit. Now that he has kidney disease I feel completely responsible. Cats should never eat garlic or onions because it causes acute kidney damage and he'd been eating that stuff with or without my permission all his life. I am like you and try to be in denial and make him as happy as possible but sometimes I break. I scream at myself and can't stop crying because I hate that my family member, my best friend, my furry child, is dyeing and is going to suffer because of something I did. I don't think I'll ever recover from that the rest of my life. Someone so innocent will have to go through so much suffering. He's great right now. He's still just as playful and loving life but like you said, I'm absolutely terrified of when he starts to get worse. I can't even stand to think about it. I've watched too many of my furry family members die horrible deaths to have any naive thoughts that I will be sparred something horrible at the end. I feel so much for you. I worry non stop about Thomas, am always stressed, and haven't been sleeping much for the past couple months. I can't stand to leave him for more than a couple hours at a time because I know I don't have much time with him. :'( . I am so so sorry for what you're going through. It is the hardest thing and worst thing in the world to watch your loved one die in front of you and being helpless to stop it. I pray for a miracle everyday for Thomas, that his disease will leave him or that it will be given to me. I know cancer is weird and amazing things DO happen so I will pray for you and Nelly. Nelly doesn't deserve it. I am so sorry.
Lena says
Kathy
I'll start by saying how sorry I am to hear about Nelly. I have a pet and I adore her but there is still a part of me that saying "she's JUST a dog". Yet as I read your posts about Nelly I am so inspired. Why would I love anything -just half way? What a waste of a relationship. The post I read this morning said you hoped you could help others going through the same thing. My daisy is well today but I'll tell you what your sharing has done for me. It has taught me to love, not just my dog but even my children wholeheartedly. I remember thinking that if I had cancer I would love someone calm to sit and hold me and comfort me as you are doing with Nelly. I see the compassion, the gentleness and mostly the connection. All creatures great and small, are worthy of that sort of love because the Lord God loves them all. I want to love and to heal that way- thank you for the reminder and the lesson.
Be strong and courageous
Lena
p.s. My 10 year old son is smoothie-ing his way through your book, I love seeing him in the kitchen learning and "cooking".
D.. says
I'm honestly so upset about Nelly. I don't know you or her.. but my thoughts are with both of you! I really do hope a miracle happens.. and if not I just hope you find the srenght to keep going! Your post is so beautiful and it makes me believe you do have a speacial bond with Nelly. I wish you all the best! I just can't imagine your gorgeous instagram or blog posts without a few sweet Nelly photos! I hope everything does work out in the end!
- Much love your way, D (an old follower/reader)
Julie Burge says
Much love to you Kathy and your beloved Nelly. I am a dog person but find my thoughts going out to both of you several times a day. There is nothing more awful than losing a furry friend who shares every moment of your life. You are focusing on Nelly right now and that will mean so much to you later on. Trust me. Drink her in and enjoy every single second with her. Prayers for healing to both of you.
Heather McClees says
Oh Kathy, this is such a beautiful post, even though I hate you had to write it. Raw honesty at its finest. You are truly so much stronger than you ever know. Animals have a way of pulling at a part of us who value them as living miracles, or at least they do for me. It tears me up to think of the abuse and neglect so many go through. There are times I've lost sleep over factory farming, animals dying all alone on the streets, and after we lost our dog last May we had for 16 years , since I was 16, I couldn't barely move on. She was a part of my life that I had lost, and she was the last piece of the puzzle. Yet, as He does, God worked amazing ways. Our new puppy now has our previous dog's birthday, and her exact mannerisms. We just found out last week that she was also born the day our sweet Gracie left us. It is amazing how pets can change your life. I HAVE FAITH Nelly will bring you peace. She will bring you the healing you need. You can get through this!!! The happy Kathy is still inside and Nelly knows that:)
By the way, these cookie dough bites are seriously amazing!:) Thanks for the recipe and even more, thank you for your lovely words.
Praying for you,
Heather
Kathie says
My pets are my family and my life, too. I have felt your bond, your joy, and your heartache. You and Nelly will stay in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers. It's the least I can do after all your blog has done for me!
Jen says
Dear Kathy (and Nelly),
I pop into your delightful blog from time to time, and I had noticed at some point you were a cat person (or purrson), and I saw that you had a black/brownish and white tuxie kitty. That was sweet to see. I lost my precious, darling soul kitty one year ago (in exactly a week) and he was also a black/brownish tuxie. He also had diabetes (though went into remission after a few years), but it was kidney disease that took him at 18 last year.
I was so heartbroken to read about what is happening with with your precious Nelly. I know we don't know each other, but I'm sending you and Nelly love, compassion and caring energy. I understand, and as a stranger one thing I can is let you know.
Losing my precious boy at 18 years old (he had been with since 5 weeks old) has been shattering. I am still trying to make sense of all of it. We had an extraordinary bond and he was magical. He gave so much, so much love than I can even explain.
I know how hard all the meds, supplements, injections, treatments can be, in addition to just the stress of worrying, and the fear of the future.
I so relate to when you said that time and the photo of you was lightyears away. When I lost my little boy, EVERYTHING would remind me of when he was still with me, and I would fall apart if I found a receipt with a date on it or drove past the pharmacy remembering when I went to pick up his sub-q fluids, etc., etc., all of that it seemed lightyears away.
I hold the possibility and pray for some sort of miracle for Nelly.
There has got to be some sort of lesson these beings bring to us with these experiences. One thing that helped is a piece of writing called "You Have Chosen Tears" (you can google if you are interested).
You and Nelly will be in our thoughts.
With caring,
Jen and my furbabies
Nina Machnow says
I am very sorry to read about sick Nelly. I hope she's gonna make it and recovers well. Fingers crossed and good vibes your way <3
Maggie Olson says
So much love and support, friend. We lost my dog to cancer about a year ago... it happened while I was away at school, and I looked her in the eye right before I left and just KNEW that I wouldn't see her again. As we were driving away, i felt like I was going to barf because I just knew. It meant I could say goodbye, but it meant no more days to cherish her. I so love how much you're cherishing your time with Nellykitty. What a blessing for both of you. I'll be praying for her health and for your heart. The benefit of being a vegan blogger: you have lots of animal-loving readers who are right here to support you! <3
LyndsayLuWho says
My heart goes out to you, Kathy. I lost Cargo, my best friend and dearest companion (with apologies to my husband and children) in January after 12+ incredible years together. She was comforted by acupuncture and chiropractic care from an amazing vet who came to our house. I should mention that she was a dog, not a cat like your love, but your story also made me think of the fact that our 16+ year old cat was diagnosed with lymphoma 6 years ago and given 3 months to live. She's curled up on my bed at home, snoozing way the day as I write this. So, as much as I suppose denial is something we should steer ourselves away from, I'm hoping that you find yourselves in that rare spot of being the miraculous story that people will be talking about for years to come. Sometimes cancer surprises us in good ways, too- I'm so hoping that your kittie will be one of those surprises.
John Hartil says
Commenting on food just doesn't seem right at the moment but these do look perfect for a night in front of the TV. Yes our pets are part of our family and their distress is ours. Thinking of you at this time.
slinky2711 says
I lost my Slinky-cat to cancer too, and it was quick, about a month from diagnosis to saying good-bye. I remember (with tears in my eyes) the 18+ years that we had together from college (many semesters of smuggling her in and out of dorms), different relationships and moving cross-country. They are, and will remain your babies. And they do make you rise up and find strength in yourself that you didn't know existed.
Hugs and plenty of kitty kisses to your Nelly-cat. You will do what's best for her, with the love that you have.
Deb says
Just started crying while reading your post..brought me back to how I felt after losing my cat. I think that it is very obvious that you have a strong bond with Nelly. I am sorry for your sadness, and for the all the pain you are feeling. I will be praying for you and your beautiful kitty.
Evelyn Reyna Castagna says
Just read this at work and cried my eyes out. Thank you for your honesty. I will continue to keep Nelly in my prayers, especially for that next chest X-ray coming up. I will keep you in my prayers as well as your husband, who I'm sure is feeling even more completely helpless.
Love to you all
Evie
Tracy says
I am so sorry Kathy...think of you and Nelly. I also wanted to ask you a food related question...I make smoothies most morning for my family and I am loving maca lately. But I am wondering if I can give maca to my 10 month old ?
Amy says
This post made me cry. You are doing a great job, Kathy. I'm sorry.
PonderWhy says
Kathy, as I said in my e-mail to you yesterday, the body has incredible healing powers if we just don't get in its way. I truly believe, like Dr. Gerson, nutrition is the key! If her coat, which is a direct indicator of her overall health and well being, is showing such improvement, then maybe, just maybe, the extra nutrition is helping her in her body's fight against this cancer. Like I said yesterday, "Don't give up five minutes before your (and Lovely Nelly's) miracle." My heart goes out to you. Love and light to you both. Tina
Liz says
Kathy,
When I lost my furbaby -- he was sick for 9 months -- it was the single worst time of my life. It was an incredibly cruel and torturous illness for us both. The 4 year mark of his passing crossed just last month, and I still break down and cry almost every time I think of him. To this day, I have not spoken his name out loud since the day we said goodbye. It changed me forever, and I have never fully healed. I say this not to discourage or sadden you but to give you an idea of where my following words are coming from.
I 100% understand denial. It manifested as near delirious positivity and semi-delusional hope, but not accepting that Nelly is going to leave you is going to make it much more difficult and painful for you when she does. Accepting reality is not admitting defeat or giving up; it's just a necessary part of the healing process. You don't have to give up hope or stop doing what you can to help Nelly, but facts and reality need to find their way into your thoughts. Honestly, it sounds like you have already accepted what is going but you don't WANT to. And "dreary Kathy" doesn't need to make a reappearance.
One thing I learned through my furbaby's sickness is that animals are ethereal beings; they don't function on the same level humans do -- mentally -- and their energy is on a different plane than ours. They are capable of feeling love and pain and sadness, but they are much more matter of fact and logical than us. For me and my little love, the illness was harder on me than it was on him. He was frustrated more than anything that he couldn't physically do the things he had always been able to do and that his body wasn't working anymore. But he wasn't concentrating or focusing on that. What he was thinking of was the great life that we had shared; all the hugs, all the belly rubs, all the kisses, all the walks, all the bones he got to chew, all the wet nose morning wake up calls, all the homecomings, all the love that we experienced together. Animals are here for a finite time; they know that, but they don't THINK about it. And pets, they sort of think of their relationship with their human companions a little like jobs. They come in to our lives to provide us with something, to give us something. It can be love, it can be friendship, it can be to open our eyes to something or teach us something we wouldn't have otherwise learned without them, like patience, or to let go of material things or even, ultimately, how to say goodbye. When they're "job" is done, they'll leave, and they'll let us know when it's time. They won't dwell on how it ended for them; they'll relish in how they lived, not how they died. And whether or not that is something they entered our lives to teach us, it's something that we need to embrace. Do not think about how their life has ended -- it is just a small, teeny fraction of how they spent their time on this Earth. Think about the wonderful, beautiful life you have shared with Nelly and what a gift you have been to each other. That's what she's thinking about.
The grief you experience from her passing will be immeasurable and unthinkable, but it WILL pass. With time, the pain lessens, and it gets easier to get through your days. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. At some point, the sudden breakdowns become less frequent and the unbelievable sadness begins to lift, little by little. The only way to get around it is to go THROUGH it, but you will emerge on the other side in one piece.
And remember, BOTH of your lives are better for having been in one another's.
vvvvvlllll says
I'm so sorry, Kathy ... I'm sending you the very best wishes for the miracle 🙂
xoxo
Vegan Richa says
i am so sorry Kathy. Lots of tears here after reading your post. Sending hugs and prayers Nelly's way. Hope she keeps feeling great and pain-free.
Vegan Yack Attack says
Your post nearly brought me to tears. I can't imagine if this had happened to one of my companion dogs, I would be distraught! Hopefully the changing of the litter helps her out a little. Sending positive thoughts and big hugs your way, Kathy. <3
Adriane says
This was such an honest an heartfelt post....my heart is breaking for you as I've gone through this myself. Much love to your beautiful little princess and strength for both of you!