Hey guys! A bit of a personal post today. Probably one of the most personal I have ever written. I have always felt weird sharing something like this on a 'food blog.' But after a lot of debating, I realized that this is my little space on the internet. My space to use my voice and share my life. And this story. This huge part of my journey in life. If you totally don't care about babies and these types of personal posts, don't worry, I will be back with an awesome recipe tomorrow or the next day. But for now, I am cradling a big mug of steamy matcha, and sharing a piece of me with you...
I was snuggled into my Uber ride, traveling across town to visit a close friend who recently had a baby. It was a beautiful summer afternoon. I felt energized, though I will admit, a little anxious - as usual lately, to be stepping into babyland. Rushing palm trees breezed past my window, sun warmed the side of my face. I chatted with the driver a bit, then sunk down in my seat and clicked open my phone. Click, click, click. I opened Instagram. The headliner photo that popped on my screen was a popular blogger announcing that she was pregnant. "Wow, she's pregnant too!" I thought to myself thinking of all the recent pregnancy announcements I have heard. I scrolled through her blissful, beautiful photos and captions about becoming a mom. I sighed and moved along on my feed. Scrolling through as usual. It was a flurry of food photos, travel pics, pets, a few selfies and an armful of baby photos. Friends from high school, bloggers, close adult friends, all smiling away, holding their chubby-cheeked babies, all peaches and cream adorable, with a cherry on top.
It is funny how I used to never think twice about baby photos. But lately, every single one pangs on my heart a bit.
I scrolled deeper and deeper into my Instagram feed, more foods, more babies, more travel, more happy things as usual. I felt like I was trying to climb my way out of quicksand, with that sinking feeling I get every time I see a photo of one of my friends with their happy, adorable kids. My therapist (who has helped me a lot with this journey) uses the term "triggers" for things like cute baby photos. Wait, what? I don't want cutie-pie babies, kids, babyshowers, gushing pregnant friends and all things 'having kids' to be "triggers" to me. I love kids. I have been babysitting since I was 8 years old, love hanging out with my niece and nephew and friends kids. I love little ones. I don't want them to be triggers. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be that person.
But in some ways, for right now, I am.
I closed Instagram, put down my phone and turned my head to the window, breathing in and out to the sound of the jazz music my Uber driver was playing. I closed my eyes and remembered to think positive thoughts, focus on the good and happy things in my life and remember what I have promised myself: no matter what happens, I will be happy. Joy is a choice. It is also, sometimes, a battle. You have to claim it. And I know how to do that. I will claim my happiness, no matter what happens. Kids or no kids.
I arrived at my friend's house, had an awesome visit with her and her new little bundle. I watched the baby sleep for long hours, snuggled away in his stroller like a freshly baked muffin in a muffin wrap. I watched her peel him up and squish him close to her chest. She had the most content and calm smile across her rose-colored cheeks.
It was a happy day. Walking and laughter. Chatting. Life. Work. Fresh air. Nothing special, just friends being friends. I headed back home feeling good but also a bit heavy-hearted. The apartment I walked into, our happy home, the one where I feel love and comfort, felt extra quiet. A bit cold. Empty. I rushed to my kitty cats, scooped them up and nuzzled their fuzzy faces. Pets always help, everything!
I went back to my evening. My life. The one I love so much. I filled the night with food, happy things and time with my little family of husband and cats. why can't I just be content with this? Life would be so much easier! But visions of kids fluttering around the room kept dancing in my head, and my good mood turned melancholy.
Babies. I don't talk about this topic here, like ever. But I am to the point where I can't shut up about it with friends and family and I just really want to be open in talking about my struggle, here on my blog. I read so many bloggers talking about life after they find out they are pregnant, but what about the time before that? What about the struggle. And what about those of us who may not get the baby in the end? I want to read those stories too, so I decided, screw it.. I'll just tell my own.
Having Kids. I have always wanted kids. I remember I was a senior in high school when I was having a carefree conversation with one of my best friends.. "Oh we are going to be the cutest moms some day!" We laughed as we imagined going to coffee, our strollers parked, adorable babies giggling in our arms.
But after high school, babies were the last thing on my mind. I went to college, had big ambitions for my career, dated, and eventually, hoped to meet someone, fall in love, move into a house, have an amazing career and have a bunch of kids on the side. Cats, a dog, and annual vacations to Hawaii. Ha. Daydreams are fun, right?
Well, I did fall in love and get married in 2006. My husband and I have gone on adventures, moved (a lot!), traveled to far off places, struggled, soared, laughed, cried, screamed, ordered takeout at 2am while watching reruns of Family Ties or Friends - you know, everything a well-rounded marriage needs.
I remember I wanted kids pretty early on in our marriage. I would've been fine with getting pregnant in the first few years, really. But that didn't happen and suddenly I was turning 30 and five years of marriage had zoomed by. On my 30th birthday, I remember wrapping myself in a fuzzy robe after my shower, we were getting ready to go to dinner, and I just started sobbing. I was freaking out about turning 30, and then on top of that I couldn't believe I was '30' and 'married for 5 years' with no kids.
A few more years passed and still no luck getting pregnant. Then this year, I started to get serious. I went to a fertility clinic, did the whole "What is going on, what are my options, and how much does it cost????" thing.
But let's pause a minute. The weird thing about this "I want kids" thing is this: I love my life. At 36, I have crafted out a pretty solid routine of work I love, friends and family, travel, art. And I have so much love in my life. My husband and all out kitty cats who bring us so much joy and love. I love my work-from-home job, the freedom I have to travel or visit friends or basically do anything I want at the drop of a hat. I can take a bubble bath a two in the afternoon. I can stay in my PJ's all day and work my butt off on projects that inspire me. I can exercise at sunrise or after sunset. I can wake up at five AM or sleep in until eleven. and I don't have to really worry about taking care of anyone else all day besides myself, my kitty cats and my husband. On one level, it feels amazing. Life, even with its ups and downs and struggles, joy and sadness, feels good.
But on another level, a deeper level I cannot even fully explain because it feels so primal: I HATE IT. The calm of it all. The quiet. I want noisy, messy, loud. I want to have kids to dote on and snuggle with and care for and feed and love on all day and giggle with and play with and I want my hair to be messy, my eyes to be tired and swollen from lack of sleep and overflow of love. I want to wear yoga clothes all day, two days in a row. I want to be typing out a blogpost, sipping a smoothie all while rocking an infant in my arms, feeling all dizzy, stressed and wide-eyed but also full and warm. I want to grumble with my friends at the park about how "two is such a hard age!" and "breastfeeding is hard!" and "Oh the tantrums last night.." While we push strollers and love on our messy buns and 'hot mess' outfits. I want to perch under a pair of giant sunglasses to hide all the signs of 4-5 hours of sleep. I want to feel my little family grow, to create something bigger than just the two of us. I want to wake up to a crying baby and snuggle on him/her and whine that I am tired, all while feeling my heart almost explode out of my chest because I created this fuzzy little human, and I am the person they need most in this crazy, scary, strange little world.
But I'm also a realist, and an analyzer, so let's be honest here. Kids are expensive. Time-consuming. Exhausting. Sometimes infuriating. And basically require every last inch of your mind, body and soul to parent. They can stress out your marriage, career and social life. So why in the world do some people want kids? I mean, it doesn't make any sense from a practical viewpoint. Especially in today's crazy, unpredictable world. But on a soulful sense, for some people, there is an unexplained pull, a heartfelt drive, a yearning to have children.
It's a strange form of insanity, really. And I totally understand why some people choose NOT to have kids. I get it. I totally respect it. I love how different people want different things. And happiness looks very different to different people. We should never compare ourselves and our wants, needs, loves, hates to others. I 100% believe that men and women who don't have kids can live very full and ridiculously happy lives.
But for me, I am one of those people who has always wanted kids. I always pictured myself as a mom. I have a notepad with a long list of baby names. I daydream about going to Disneyland with my little ones. Family trips. Christmases. The whole enchilada. I have always thought of myself as a 'someday I will be a mom' person.
So that is why my current situation is so challenging, soul shifting and strange for me.
---
So. Long story short. Fertility struggles SUCK. Financially, hormonally, emotionally. This journey so far has made me feel like I am climbing a very tall beanstalk that disappears into the clouds, and I have no idea what awaits me up there. A scary giant? A magic bean? Nothing? Just an endless climb until I decide to climb back down?
From IUIs and IVF to ultrasounds, fertility drugs and doctors fees. And reading about things like multiple miscarriages, talking about adoption, pregnancy stresses or problems - or other big, scary, life-changing things -- all those things swim way out there in the distant ocean, while I feel like I am standing on the beach, waves lapping on my ankles. Just getting my 'feet wet' in every sense of the phrase. I don't really want to dive in, I just want to get pregnant, easily, like so many women do. But that wasn't the journey intended for me. My journey feels like a long road I have only really just begun.
Oh, so I am guessing you are wondering WHY I am struggling to have kids? Well, I am not ready to divulge those details, this post feels personal enough for today. But in vague terms, it is a few things (it usually is), and to be honest even though some things are clear cut challenges for me, even doctors don't have all the 100% sure answers. I was just talking to someone today who said her friend was told she had zero chances of ever getting pregnant ... she is going on 12 weeks pregnant now. I hear stories like this all the time.
I am so grateful that you are still here, reading this. THANK YOU. I just feel really good getting this off my chest and hopefully helping a few readers who are also struggling with infertility, feel less alone or strange or sad. We will get through this together! Women, both moms and non-moms are amazing creatures, we have such a strong capability to nourish each other - lift each other up - especially when we cannot find the strength to lift ourselves up. I am so grateful to the moms in my life that have given my advice and support. And also the non-moms who have made me feel less alone and hopeful about whatever the future may bring.
Ending on a Happy Note. Through all this, this quote basically sums up my truth:
"The key to your life is how you deal with “Plan B.” You can aim for Plan A. You can arrange for Plan A. But “Plan B” is what actually happens to you. It’s your resilience in being able to roll with the punches and move on to “Plan B” that really makes your life. If something doesn’t work out, you can’t automatically think that something bad has happened. You never know why things happen the way they do, but that’s life. That’s how it unfolds. When faced with “Plan B”, don’t feel you have to be dragged kicking and screaming into it because, sometimes, “Plan B” is so much better.” ~ Marilu Henner's Veggie Girl Power Interview
Since I'm already knee-deep in Plan B, I will just have to wait and see where it takes me, and keep my chin up with some "gusto," as Marilu would say.
I have no idea how this story will end. It might end with a baby, and it might not. But that is why I am sharing NOW. Because not every person has the perfect 'baby story.' Sometimes it is challenging. And feels hopeless. Or just uncertain. Actually, uncertainty is the main feeling I have through all of this. Which is why it feels so scary to share right now. But I think that is the point. I don’t want to hide. This is real life. My story. My life. Happening right now. I don’t ever want to be ashamed of my own story - and sharing every piece of it.
So thank you for listening.
And after all my anxiety over posting this, right now I feel so proud to be using my voice, for me, and for anyone out there who needs to read that someone with a face they know, is going through a similar struggle.
I learn so much from women who have gone through this stuff before me, please share your stories or positive comments.
Much love, xoxo, K
ps. Thank u to friend/mama/writer-genius Steph for your support on this post!
Read more of my personal posts here.
Anonymous says
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw thank you for following me for the long haul Susie!! I am so sorry about your kitty cat. Losing Nelly still haunts me, I don't think that will ever go away. And I am just so glad I shared that journey online because the love and support I still receive from you guys around that has helped so much - I didn't feel so alone in my loss.
And you are not strange at all for not choosing the 'kids' path! There are so many worthy reasons women choose a child-free life. I have so much respect for both life paths. The bottom line is that women are amazing creatures, and with or without kids, we have such a beautiful capacity for compassion and strength and empathy and love.
Anyways, thank you for taking the time to chime in, it means the world to me when people pop out the shadows and say hello! haha Sending you love as well! <3
Frederique says
I do not share everything you expressed, as I already have a 7yrs old beautiful, gifted and very special child, but have been struggling for over a year now trying for number two. I went through a very painful divorce with my daughter's father when she was about 2, and have since found a wonderful man who my daughter calls dad and whom I married last year. He doesn't have kids of his own, and though he loves my daughter as if she WAS his own, we both yearn to make this little family of ours complete, and it hurts me when my daughter thinks she is too stressful for me and that it's her fault we can't give her a baby brother/sister. We have had enormous stress in our lives and now that things are settling down, I too am completely terrified of whats to come when I will seek out fertility tests to see what is the problem. I fell pregnant very easily with my daughter, but I was much younger, carefree, it was a different time...I never thought I would go from the lucky momma who fell pregnant after 3 months trying to the momma who gets pangs of jealousy from "triggers" as you say. I have felt the whole range of emotions. Yet, I know writing this that I should only be grateful that I have my daughter, even if number two never comes. I wish you the best in your journey, It is not an easy one, but there are incredible stories of IUI and IVF babies, dreams do come true 🙂
CM says
I read this post about 5 times, tears running down my face because you so eloquently put into words exactly my thoughts, feelings, fears. Thank you, it means the world to me. I wish I could give you a hug or sit down and chat about this with you more. Thank you for sharing. Even though I know so many women struggle, have been feeling so very utterly lonely on this infertility journey. Appreciate your openness and honesty.
Kathy Patalsky says
I am so glad this spoke to you. I am so grateful for readers like you who have been so open about how they share feelings like mine. It can definitely be a very lonely journey! I always fear that talking about it just begs for people to feel sorry for me, but the truth is I just need to talk about it and have a voice in this conversation of family and fertility, even though my voice is a struggling one.
Sending you so much love. 💗
Vanessa Reimer says
I have followed your blog for years and am so glad you decided to share this part of your life, as I know that it will be a tremendous help to other women experiencing fertility struggles. My experience is similar but also different from yours. I didn't give much thought to having children until I suddenly found myself pregnant in 2015. I quickly adjusted to the idea of having a child, and fell in love with my daughter throughout my healthy and complication-free pregnancy. Then, four days past my due date, she died due to sudden and unpreventable complications. I know too well how triggering it is to be bombarded by pregnancy and birth announcements online. While fertility struggles and infant loss are not the same experience, I think the thread that unites them is the feeling that everyone in the world but you can easily get pregnant, give birth, and bring their babies home. Yet at the same time, we also know that infertility, pregnancy and infant loss are far more common than our culture would care to admit--which is why it's so important to talk about these things openly and authentically. So again, thank you for opening up and sharing.
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw sweet and wise Vanessa. Yes yes and yes to everything you said. I am so incredibly sorry for the painful experience you have gone through and the loss of your child. I'm sure your heartbreak is so beyond words.
I so agree that there is a common thread there and also that these painful things, struggles and losses do happen far more than society seems to talk about.
I hope I can find a comfortable and productive way to continue to engage with this topic. This post was easy but continuing the conversation is what challenges my brain.
Sending you so much love and thanks for sharing your story here. 🙏💗
Marina Penedo says
Beautifully written, and so raw. I know many amazing women who have struggled with infertility and I know for sure I will be sharing this article with them. You are not alone, and you are not less of a women either way the story turns out. Please never forget that!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Marina! That is definitely a feeling I have struggled with through this so thank you for saying that outloud. xoxo
Chelsea says
Through our infertility journey (for my husband, his whole life. for me, the past 12 years) I held on to the fact that "Someday all dreams come true". I had to remember that those dreams are not always the dreams we envision and more then not they do not come when we want them to. I am now 27 weeks pregnant with my first child at 29 years old. I hope you the best of luck in your journey <3
amy says
I always thought I would have a house full of kids...didn't happen...i am 63 now..and have a wonderful, happy and full life...i cried many times about not having children but instead we get to focus on all our nieces and nephews and godchildren...our life is full...there was a time when i had to say goodbye to a family...it was not our choice but it was what we were given and then we focused on all the gifts we had and have and are thankful for our days...wishing you the very best..amy
Becky Ann Hunter says
I can't relate to infertility, but I have lost a baby (our only boy... we have 4 beautiful daughters) and know the ache I feel when I see mothers and fathers with their sons. So I can relate on that level, at least. I love my daughters so much, but we all miss our Joey! I just cherish any time I spend with my nephews and my daughters' boyfriends. My husband and I have also "adopted" several "sons" through volunteer work with kids at church. 🙂
A few of my friends and family struggle with infertility and while some have had success with finally becoming pregnant and carrying to term, others have not but have fostered and adopted children. I don't know what to tell you other than that I hope that motherhood comes to you soon! I also think that you're very beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart. I know that it will help someone who needs to know that they're not alone. 🙂
Heather D says
Love you! I can't imagine how hard it was to share this and how vulnerable it made you feel and I'm so happy you did. I truly think when we reach out to connect through our struggles, so many people find support in our struggles and give support back. Thank you so much for this post and being willing to share it. Love you so much!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much sweet Heather! I have SO many strong female role models in my life - you being one of them - women who have spoken out, shared their struggles, held tightly to their positive attitudes and supported the women around them - women who they know personally and even strangers across a computer screen. I am so inspired by women who offer up positive messages, support and also share those raw and vulnerable sides of themselves. It is funny how once you share, you just want to keep sharing and keep sharing because you see how much good it does and how many conversations it opens up. Thinking of you! xoxo
SaraK says
Thank you for your post. I'm on a different side in the fact that I really wanted to have a second child and medically, probably can. However my husband will not agree to it. My daughter is my joy and now at the age of 7 I've had to try and let go of giving her a sibling ( since three years old she has been asking me for a baby). I worry about her not sharing the same experiences I did with siblings. I worry when we leave this earth that she will be alone. I worry a lot about it. I wish things could've been different and I work to not resent my husband. Life isn't easy and I appreciate you sharing your story and hope you have a happy ending ❤️
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much for sharing that Sara. Our stories in this wide realm of fertility and pregnancy and family are all so varied and unique. Sad, strong and beautiful in their own ways, and each story teaches me something new.
I'm so sorry for your struggle. I can only imagine how frustrating and hard that situation is. But it sounds like your daughter is such a loved and special soul. I find that most of my 'only child' friends are SO good at creating and nurturing their girlfriendships, in a unique and beautiful way. Our life experiences seem to challenge us in unique ways and give us gifts to help us thrive.
That being said, I also feel you though! I grew up with a sister and loved that sibling relationship. But I often feel like if I ever miraculously do get pregnant it would be a huge struggle to do it again, and that my child could possibly be an only child too. But I try and hope that he/she would form strong sibling-like bonds with friends or cousins - relationships that would fill any space in his/her heart. I know I'm not a parent yet though, so I can only imagine everything.. Sending you and your family loads of love. <3
carajw003 says
I think as women we have such a pressure to have kids, regardless if we want them or not. Social media, expectations from family members or partners, and even the good old biological "want" to have kids causes so much pressure. I've never been the kind to want kids, but as I've gotten older, I feel like all the adorable babies I see on Facebook or even just out and about have made this pressure feel so much more intense. I know you genuinely want kids, but I feel that social media makes it worse. But keep your chin up. Sometimes it takes a while, and while it's frustrating, even the most impossible circumstances can come out in your favor.
Also, thank you for sharing something so personal with us. It takes bravery to put yourself out there.
Christa Clark says
I admire and appreciate how your share your heart, thank you. You'll make a wonderful mama, I believe it'll happen. Much love!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Christa 💗
Kathy Sturr says
I have never wanted kids and really feel uncomfortable around them. But I wanted to share with you a new book I discovered by Alisa Vitti entitled "Woman Code" that I have found extremely enlightening! It was brought to my attention by another Vegan blogger "The Glowing Fridge." Anyway, Alisa has helped many women. Maybe she can (or through her book) also help you. I am still reading through this book but have already noticed a huge difference in my moods. I am approaching menopause and still find this book amazingly helpful. I turned 50 last year without a hitch other than hitching around more pounds than I would like to. I hope all your dreams come true!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Kathy. I'm so glad that book has helped you. I actually do own it. And I definitely believe in the power of hormones and how much they influence both women and men. But unfortunately my issue (which I haven't shared) does not have to do with hormones, my diet, health or anything involved in that world.
Terrie says
Hi Kathy, I just found your blog when Pinterest suggested I look at your lentil lemon soup. I am on a journey to become vegan, but am not there yet. We went through infertility in the 80s. We started investigating adoption and that is a long process emotionally. We finally had 2 daughters. I think social media would have amplified my grief. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you. Thank you for your beautiful blog!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for sharing this Terrie and that perspective of social media. That makes me feel better in an odd way! I am so glad you found your way here! (And that lemon soup is so good!) 🙂
Shanna says
I love this post. You are wonderful, and will be an amazing mother!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Shanna <3
Katie says
Hi, Kathy - I have loved your blog for many years and want to thank you for sharing this post. One of my best friends is struggling with infertility now, and it really helps me to read your words because I am trying to understand her perspective and be the friend she needs as she goes through this. I was lucky to have two kids on my own, but I never took it for granted that I would be able to because fertility struggles are so, so common! I know you are creating your joy and I admire you for that as it's something I struggle to do myself too. Thank you for also writing about how you appreciate the noise and the mess that kids make of your life because that makes me appreciate it more. Wishing you much comfort, joy and love!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for this comment Katie! I love that I am able to share the 'infertility struggle' perspective. It can feel very lonely and having friends who try to understand and show support, even when challenging, is SO helpful - so you are such an awesome friend for realizing that.
It is such a strange thing to go from trying to prevent pregnancy your entire life to suddenly realizing something isn't right and you can't do this basic human function of getting pregnant. There is a lot of shame and disbelief and confusion and frustration and long-term exhaustion that comes from being reminded (ever month) that you are failing. I think the number one thing you can do for her is to just acknowledge how exhausting emotionally and physically it must be to have to battle infertility and all the uncertainty around it. And honestly, try and take her mind off of kids and family - and just focus on the friendship part of your relationship. Make her laugh. Hang out. Remind her that no matter what happens, you two will still be friends.
Friendships change as kids and family members come into the picture. And that is so normal. But it can also be a lot of mental work on both parts. And trying to imagine the other friend's perspective is truly the most important step - so bravo to you! xo
Kathleen Lisson says
Thank you so much for opening up about something so personal.
Kathy Patalsky says
I feel really happy I did Kathleen. Hope to continue this conversation if you guys want to hear more about my journey...
Rosamund says
Thank you so much for articulating this so beautifully. I am at a similar point where the idea of not ever having kids is starting to become real and I really appreciate hearing that I'm not alone. I often try to convince myself that I don't want kids, that my life will be better without. When people ask about infertility they expect you to talk about how it isn't a big deal and there are all these benefits due to the money and extra time it affords, and while it can be true it doesn't make it any easier. I really appreciate that you have acknowledged that there is nothing wrong with a life without kids, but also admit that dealing with that sucks. Thank you so much xx I hope your story have a happy ending, whatever that may be 🙂
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Rosamund, I'm so glad you enjoyed the post. "I often try to convince myself that I don't want kids, that my life will be better without. " <- this is so me. I knew there were some problems, but I went for years trying to say I would be fine WHEN I wanted kids, and who knows, maybe I wouldn't in the "future" and then I wouldn't have to deal with things! Ha. Nope. Now am dealing with all those years of emotionally processing my deep desire to have children AND I'm dealing with all the actual 'infertility' issues - all at once.
I hope every woman who might want to have kids one day has an OBGYN they trust and love and can talk very openly with about any problems in their hormones, cycle and more. And that their doctor is pro-active with making sure their body is able and ready for kids when you are ready. there is SO much focus in your 20's on PREVENTING pregnancy, that the "but what about kids someday" question gets shuffled around as something you can deal with later.
Kate says
So very true! One of my friends who is having IVF told me "they teach you so much about not getting pregnant in school, why don't they teach you about this!" I wish we were taught a little more about female hormones and just how difficult getting pregnant can be. It would have made it so much easier to know that this is a very normal thing so many women go through.
Jose Maria Rodriguez says
Hi Kathy
I usually dont post any comments, but I was really moved as I read. I really feel you, because my wife and I, are having the same struggle. We both are professionals, very focused in our work, but we feel that "our time" for having babies is fading, I'm 42 and my wife is 33. Reading this post of you, bring me the tears and keep me thinking real hard. Our struggle is not over, but I feel very good, that someone is feeling the same, and that we are not alone. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for share this with everyone, and I admire your bravery for doing so.
Kathy Patalsky says
A guy! Thank you thank you for reading this and commenting Jose! My husband is a tiny bit older than me and I am 36, so I fell ya on the age thing. But truly, there is still time for us - even though the pressure is on..
My mom was 42 and my dad was 50 when I was born back in 1981! (And that was just naturally) so there is indeed still time. And my parents were awesome. I still cannot believe what an active and amazing dad my father was when I think about the fact that he was almost in his 70's when I went off to college! Maybe having kids late really does keep you young. 🙂
The time pressure is so challenging though - especially when you both love your jobs - which is our case as well.
Anyways, I wish you so much luck and love and hope on your journey, no matter what it leads. I am so grateful that you commented here. Husbands who think about this stuff and feel and process all the emotions surrounding getting pregnant + infertility are amazing. Good job. Thank you.
Jill says
Thank you for your post today. You really articulated the feelings I haven't had the words for or the courage to share. I appreciate your sharing of the possibility that you may not get what you want in the end. I've been accused of "giving up hope", but I believe it's a healthy thing to entertain all possibilities. Find strength in those difficult moments knowing how many of us you inspire with your wonderful food. If I've learned anything on my own journey, it's that I'm stronger than I believed I could be. All the best, and thanks again for sharing.
Jill
Cape Breton, NS
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Jill. " I've been accused of "giving up hope", but I believe it's a healthy thing to entertain all possibilities" ---- I agree with this comment so much! I have so many friends who try to support my journey by telling me I will have kids one day and be an amazing mom! I know I have options, but just to protect my heart and soul I HAVE to always say "IF" I have kids one day. I am the type of person that will not get excited about a new job contract or something good until it actually happens and until AFTER the check clears, ha.
Life is unpredictable and we all have NO IDEA what roads we may end up on in the future. Life isn't supposed to be easy and perfect. It is these challenges and struggles that make our souls SO much richer.
Thank you again, and much love and peace and strength to you on your journey.
ps. I LOVE this too... "I'm stronger than I believed I could be..." yes yes yes yes we are all stronger than we think we are. Life just has to give us chances to realize that. xo
Robin P says
Kathy, thank you for sharing this post. I could never say I know how you feel, but I have a good idea. I didn't get married until I was 36. My husband and I went into the marriage knowing we wanted to be parents, but also knowing there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Sure enough, we didn't have any luck. We gave it a shot, explored our options, and went with our plan B--adoption. We brought our little guy home from Guatemala right after his first birthday. He is now almost 11. He is our child in EVERY way - the fact that I didn't actually give birth is a non-issue.
This is your journey. You can and will be a great parent.
Kathy Patalsky says
I LOVE THIS. It gave me chills. Adoption stories are so beautiful and magical. I wish the adoption process didn't feel so daunting and mysterious and even expensive. I have only begun to explore it just to keep myself very informed on all our options and it is challenging to get very far without feeling overwhelmed. But thank you for sharing this. Every happy ending to stories like mine make me feel so hopeful.
Your Partner in Passion Kait says
Thank you thank you thank you for this post. Since being diagnosed with two chronic illnesses in the last year, alongside the wonderful side effects, especially the neuromuscular- & joint-related ones, I've had to face whether or not I'll be able to have kids (or if I chose to how much the pregnancy would diminish my already reduced quality of life) and it's...overwhelming, terrifying, and heart-wrenching. I've no answers yet but hearing others' stories is so heartening. <3
Kathy Patalsky says
I am so sorry you are going through health challenges Kait. Having gone through some minor health flare-ups the past year (nothing big just stress-related things like TMJ and my Hashimotos and even asthma) I know how much harder the entire pregnancy conversation can be when you don't feel like you are in "perfect" health. I am with you - I don't have all the answers right now, but talking to others and hearing stories in all different directions widens my perspective and gives me comfort and hope -- I truly hope this blog and these comments do the same for you. Sending you much love. <3
PurpleSolstice says
Thank you for sharing your passion, strength and truth. You are beautiful and this post will help so many others. Peace be with you.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much 🙂 <3
Casey says
Hi Kathy, you are such an incredible woman for sharing your story. I love your blog, your recipes, your photos but I love so much that you posted your story. You're right, you have this community of followers and this is a perfect place to open up and have a voice. Even if it is your food blog and personal stories aren't necessarily what you post. I hope you feel so much love, support and empowerment from all of your readers who write comments.
Going through infertility or conceiving issues just sucks and it definitely can feel like you're alone on this journey no matter how many people try to support you.
My first pregnancy, I miscarried. My second was successful but not without a lot of worry of miscarrying again. When I tried to get pregnant a third time the fertility specialist diagnosed me with Secondary Infertility. If you're not familiar it's when you become infertile after having a baby. Apparently my eggs were 5 years older than I was and I didn't have many. For many reasons my husband and I decided not to do IVF. The main reason was we had our baby. We wanted another badly but talked ourselves into being okay and most importantly grateful for our healthy, happy baby. About a year or so later, I finally let go of the idea of a second baby. I even got a tattoo that represented me and my son. My way of accepting my little family of three. A few days after getting that tattoo, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. My pregnancy was successful. I tell you this story as a reminder to not lose hope. I am praying for you, Mama. Even though I now have two kids, I will never forget the pain, the tears, the feeling of being alone and no one in my immediate life being able to truly relate or support me in the way I needed during that time. I'm sending you so much love and support. Big Hugs! ❤️❤️❤️
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank is such a beautiful story Casey. Thank you so much for sharing it. I appreciate every single story here SO very much. I am learning so much and feeling so much less alone. I mean I could read a ba-zillion stories on those "baby boards" but knowing you guys are my readers, my friends, it means so much more.
And I am so happy that you were successful in two of your pregnancies. So, did you add to the tattoo? Ha! That's so crazy.
"You're right, you have this community of followers and this is a perfect place to open up and have a voice." - thank you for saying this. I always feel hesitant sharing stories like this - but it helps to hear a chunk of readers care deeply about them - and so worth it.
Casey says
Ha! I don't think there's room to add on. I guess I'll be obligated to get another one for my second son. 😆
I'm so glad to hear you're starting to feel less alone. I hope the support continues to pour in and I'll keep praying for you.
Much love! ❤️
Vegan Yack Attack says
Kathy, I am so sorry that you have been struggling through this. Thank you for opening your heart and mind to all of us. I know there are so many people going through the same thing you are and have a support system is so important. Sending you BIG, BIG hugs! Please, never hesitate to reach out if you ever need to take your mind off of things. <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Jackie! I agree, having a support system for anything challenging is so important - and I also agree with your 'taking your mind off it' sentiment!
One of the best things my friends and I do is to concentrate on NOT talking about this stuff all the time and really just making each other laugh and feel good. So important to feel that balance of acknowledging your struggle while also remembering that you have a beautiful life of JOY to live.
Anyways.... hope you are having an awesome summer hope we cross paths soon! xo
Saran Dan says
Thank you for sharing this with such an open heart. It was touching to read, you are so brave and kind. Love your blog, thank you for being yourself
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Sarah! <3
Stefanie says
Your blog is so amazing and I admire all of your strength and courage to go after the life you want and to open up your life to your readers. Thank you for your amazing recipes, but also for connecting to your readers and showing your real self. I hope things get better for you and that your journey ends in success. I struggle so much when life doesn't go my way and sometimes you have to work so hard to stay positive and realize that Plan B might be what you were destined for and it will be great. Keep smiling and good luck with everything and thank you for this beautiful post.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Stefanie! <3 Team Plan B! or as my friend Brooke said, Plan C!
Lindsey P says
Kathy, you are so brave for sharing your struggle. I feel like today's world has become so filtered, only showing the pretty pictures and specially designed images, so it's refreshing to find someone who is being authentic. I'm sorry that you are struggling, and I truly hope you have the outcome you desire. As someone who struggled with infertility before having my daughter, I know the uncertainty can be gut-wrenching. That quote you shared also hit me hard since 2017 is definitely my year of "plan B," and it was something I needed to hear right now. I wish you all the best. <3 Sending you good vibes and many hugs.
Kathy Patalsky says
thank you Lindsey! "I feel like today's world has become so filtered, only showing the pretty pictures and specially designed images, so it's refreshing to find someone who is being authentic" ... I so agree with this and that is seriously the main reason I knew I had to share. the whole reason I blog is to share my authentic life. I never want to over-filter myself. I absolutely believe in the beauty of keeping some things private. But when it comes to topics where I see SO MANY women struggling on these ANONYMOUS baby message boards, I just needed to stand up and say "Hey I'm a real person, living this normal happy life, and here's my story. Let's TALK about this!"
I feel I have a duty to share these struggles that are so common but not talked openly about enough --- or even worse -- give women a sense of SHAME. It makes me sad to think that every single woman will confront this question of having kids - or not - yet many of us feel so guarded when talking about the painful parts of that.
thank you for your comment and sending you hugs right back! <3
Marsha LaFroth says
Kathy- thank you so much for sharing. This post made me love you even more than I already did! You expressed so well the feelings that so many have. I will certainly be sharing this on Facebook so others can know they are not alone. Although I have children, I struggled with miscarriage after miscarriage. I experienced the same triggers you experienced with baby showers and baby photos, and I already had kids! So you shouldn't feel bad about that at all! Keep doing all the awesome things you already do to nourish your soul and spirit. My cousin struggled with infertility for eight years, but ended up with quads. That may not be your story, but your story will be beautiful, whatever happens, I can't wait to read about your journey. You are an inspiration. Hugs! ❤️❤️❤️
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for sharing this on Facebook Marsha! I hope as many people as possible can read it to reach people who may be struggling! "Keep doing all the awesome things you already do to nourish your soul and spirit." thank you for this! That is exactly what I am trying to do each and every day. Keeping all the positive things and people in my life and being so GRATEFUL for them - especially the people! It reminds me of eating well - add more of the GOOD stuff to your diet and you will naturally have less room and time for the bad.
xoxox Thank you, hugs back at you 🙂
Aimee Brimmer says
Kathy, I just want to say how much I admire your strength and courage to share something so personal. You are such a bright light and amazing human being. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I don't know what the future holds for you, but I know there are many beautiful journeys ahead. Sending you lots of love and hugs. <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Aimee, hugs right back to you <3
Aimee Brimmer says
<3
Heather McClees says
I love you and respect you for sharing this, my dear! I also admire your honesty. We all have our own neverending beanstalks to climb, trust me. I am 32, and although I have never wanted kids and don't have any plan to have any, I do struggle with where I am at in life. I am not even married or sure I even want to be. That is tough at this age in social media land. I am grateful, but like you, there is a hole in my life. So, thank you for opening up about your struggles, and please know I am praying for you. I truly believe God has a special plan for all of us, and that our plan B (or C or D!) really can be so much better if we trust the process. I am here if you ever need a thing... or an ear. 🙂
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for sharing that here Heather, I have a few friends who are going through that same struggle as you, and I know that must feel so challenging watching everyone get married etc all online. I feel you! I guess we are on the same journey in a way, just waiting to see what happens next and trusting that things are going to be more than ok! also focusing on all the good stuff we DO have.
And boo social media for feeling overwhelming sometimes! Haha. I guess I struggle with social media and even blogging because I always want to be positive and share the HAPPY things that spread positive messages and feelings. So for me, it is really finding that balance of picking choosing certain struggles that I feel are not spoken about enough and could really help people feel less alone. even if I am putting myself out there a bit. that's where I just say, screw it! Anyone who doesn't agree with my openness, is entitled to their own opinion and I respect that, but I am just being try to ME! And sharing feels good for my own soul and for my readers.
The clincher for me in choosing to share was seeing SO many women in those online baby boards, sharing stories and looking for answers and support. When wow -- basically ALL women deal with this conversation in some way. We should feel empowered to talk about it. And not scared or ashamed of judgement. (sorry Heather, I went off topic a bit there...) haha Love you and thank you for all the love and advice you have given me in the past! xoxox
Heather McClees says
Thank you Kathy, and I love that you are always you--don't ever change! 💗 I am continuing to pray for you and know everything will be just A-OK! 😊 The best things often happen when we least expect them. Hugs and love! 💗☀️
Kathy Patalsky says
🌻🌈💛🤗🍑🌺🌻 replying on my phone is so much better bc I can use emojis 😹💃🏻
Gail (aka Kitwocky) says
Thank you for bravely sharing what is going on in your life. I know it will help a lot of people in the same boat to read what you're experiencing, and I hope that it will provide solace for you as well. I, too, had trouble conceiving, which came as a great shock. We spend our lives trying to prevent it, so much so that somewhere along the line it feels like it must be nearly automatic. When it doesn't happen, it's surprising and upsetting, to say the least. I'm here to tell you that at 36, I gave birth to my daughter, who is now 15 (and a lifelong vegan!). That period of struggle is now ancient history for me; may it be so for you, too. xoxo
Kathy Patalsky says
That's awesome Gail! Stories like yours give me hope. I know one day this will definitely feel like a 'struggle from a long time ago' like so many things in my past. So that is why I am trying to focus on the GOOD stuff in y life right now. It helps so much! And no matter what happens I will come out the other side with those things in my life. xoxo
Katie Yang says
Kathy, this is such a beautiful and raw post. Thank you for sharing your heart with so many people! My heart truly goes out to you--you seem like you will be such a wonderful mother! For whatever reason I did not have a difficult pregnancy--but after my baby was born, we have had it pretty rough from day 1, for various reasons. As I've been going through these past months it has helped me so much to read the stories of other moms struggling with the same problems--so I know for a fact that your story will comfort tons of other women struggling with fertility issues. Just knowing that you are not alone in your struggle is such a comfort, in my opinion. And just by you sharing your heart, I've been reminded not to take my kid for granted, as well as be more sensitive to other people who may have personal struggles such as this that I'm not aware of. So thank you for that Kathy. =) Your positive attitude is commendable, that you are choosing to be joyful and happy regardless of the direction your path goes. But I appreciate how you recognize your humanity as well, and that it is OK to feel disappointment, discouragement, etc. A lot of people bury those feelings under the surface, and it takes courage to air them on a public forum. If there's one thing I've learned so far in life, it's that it's ok to NOT be ok. We are human and don't have to have it all figured out and put together all the time. Anyway sorry this is rambling but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you sharing!! Positive vibes going your way <3 <3 <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Love this comment so much Katie! "so I know for a fact that your story will comfort tons of other women struggling with fertility issues." thank you for that. This makes me feel so good after sharing something that really scared me to be open about!
I totally love the last part too, I agree that so many people bury their feelings. And for a while that can feel really good. But months or even years later those unacknowledged feelings might come back to bite you! Or may bubble beneath your skin and soul for years and years.
It is funny, growing up I was VERY shy. I would never say anything "wrong" and forced myself to be polite and kind in every situation. So sometimes I think my extreme openness with friends, family and online is backlash from all those years of not talking about my real and raw feelings - and how much trouble that got me into with developing an eating disorder in high school. Now I am just like, "Yeah, let's talk about it!" I am very sensitive to the uncomfortable feeling that "ignoring an issue" brings.
Sorry that was long haha - see I am a talker now! lol Sending you loads of positive vibes right back <3
Rosey Mathis says
Kathy-
I felt this vibe somehow going on from a few things you have said in the past. Maybe it is because I was knee deep in fertility struggles myself so I could just tell you we're going through the same. We are the same age and I'm vegetarian. All I can tell you is don't give up. It took us three years, several different fertility doctors, lots of money, some alternative treatments, but as I type this I am 24 weeks pregnant (finally!) and I never thought I would be a success story. It is so surreal. I know how hard it is and I admire your courage for coming forward. We decided only to tell those closest to us about our struggle. Hang in there. Take it a day at a time and never ever give up. This is possible. That was my mantra. ❤️
Kathy Patalsky says
Congratulations Rosey! That is so wonderful that your efforts paid off. My issue is that I really just may never be able to get pregnant. Thus why choosing things like IVF that take a lot of money and efforts - is such a challenging choice. It is complicated... I know it is for everyone though. But no matter what I will figure out what is best for my husband and I. I was reading one couple's blog the other day and their TTC journey lasted EIGHT years! But they did have a baby in the end. I wonder when I will know when I have had 'enough' fight, but I am just trusting that I will know when that is so I can move forward with whatever comes next.
Thank you so much for the love and support. I agree that "don't ever give up" is a beautiful mantra - those journeys can take shape in so many different ways if you just listen to your heart and soul and keep going! xoxo <3
Stephanie Marshall says
Kathy, thank you so much for posting this. I can TOTALLY relate. I feel at times torn between acceptance and feeling like my life is missing something....I have definitely been through ups and downs. As more of my friends (even those who struggled) have found success along the way it has become a more isolating process. Sometimes it is hard not to feel like a failure, BUT then I have to remind myself to be grateful and appreciate all the wonderful things in my life. I will strive like you to move forward with Plan B with grace and hope to continually work to choose joy. <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thanks for that Stephanie, you sound exactly like me! It is very isolating and frustrating. And it feels like the sad parts of your soul are only going to get more delicate and sad as time goes on if things don't change! It is so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I get it. But still, we trek on. Let's keep hope together. We will figure it out, I believe that. xo <3
Helena says
Hi- I'm sorry that you are struggling. I have heard lots of stories and I myself had a hard time getting pregnant but after lots of research, talking to friends, professionals, family, etc. I learned that the best thing to do is to not think about getting pregnant. Have fun in bed with your husband without protection. When you put the "I want to get pregnant" stress on your body your progesterone levels go up which makes it difficult to reproduce. When you don't think about it, most likely that is when it will happen. Best of luck and be well.
Kathy Patalsky says
I believe it! Stress isn't good for anything. And I hear WAY too many stories that go, "After we stopped caring, I got pregnant!" ha.
Beatriz Herrmann says
Hi Kathy, I am going to be candid and please forgive me if I, in any way offend you. If you love your life, why would you want to change it with a baby?. I have been married for 29 years and I am not "strange person" as some of the responds below classify people who don't have kids.-Susie Smith- but I love my life with no kids.
I love kids and have many nephews and nieces. Many friends have kids and I have never felt the need to have one. They all love me and they love to spend time with me, many parties and Christmas are celebrated with them
When I was in college or even high school I also envisioned my life with kids, but I was young and with no sense of the real responsibility, life changing decision that having a kids is, When I got married my career launched and my travels occupied all my time Another reason was that I really think, and now more than ever, that there is an overpopulation and the world resources are scarce. I did not want to bring another human being to this world. If I have huge regrests, I thought then, I will adopt a lonely kid from antoher underdeveloped country,
I am 56 now, and no regrets. I have to say, that everything that people dream when it comes to kids might become a reality of just the opposite. There is no way to know if "the whole enchilada " as you call it, is going to be as you envisioned it. The Universe gives you what you are suppose to get, things happen when they have to happen and no when we want them to happen. I hope everything turns out as you expect, and thanks for sharing. I just wanted to give you an example of my experience as a happily married person with no kids of my own
Kathy Patalsky says
Hi Beatriz. I think the person who called herself a 'strange person' for not choosing kids was being a bit sarcastic because sometimes we can feel "strange" when we don't go the expected route in a world where people are always asking "So, when are you going to have kids!" As I said in response to that comment, I certainly do not think anyone who doesn't want kids is strange! As I said in my post, I totally get it and understand why kids can actually feel like something crazy to WANT with all that goes along with them!
I guess to answer your question, that is the part I cannot really explain. And the part my heart and soul plays with every day. why do I feel such a strong pull to want a child? Is society just making me think I want a baby?? Do we both REALLY want this?? And for me, the answer is always yes. I always say, if I was on a desert island with no influence from the world, would I want to have kids with my husband? for me, it is yes. I have always felt a strong pull to motherhood. Just getting there, and being "ready" both emotionally and financially has taken a few years for us.
I totally agree that having kids is a HUGE wildcard. You just don't know what it will be like or how that story will go. Many parents love their children, but do indeed struggle more in certain ways.
"there is an overpopulation and the world resources are scarce" I agree with this. It is a reality. And that is one reason I have always been naturally attracted to the idea of adoption. And again, then I start to feel ashamed of myself for WANTING a kid. Am I being selfish?? But I always come back to a place of love and non-judgement in myself and other women. Everyone has the right to have kids or not have kids. And all our choices should be equally respected. The conversation of 'too many people on this planet' is one that I choose to help by way of my vegan diet. The planet would be a much happier place if more people just ate plants - or at least ate less animal products!
thank you for your comment and for sharing your perspective and journey - much appreciated!
Cheryl Van Schaik says
Kathy , I love that you share such personal details of your life from time to time. I recall reading your post a few years ago about when your beloved cat died. It makes you so human and makes me - a stranger to you - feel so connected. You are so amazing for seeing the brightness, hope and happiness in the world and brightening my day with each post!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for noticing and loving that Cheryl. I got into the blogging world to tell stories alongside my recipes. My favorite quote about blogging is, "if people just wanted a recipe, they would probably open up a cookbook." Blogging, for me, is about sharing so much more than food. And there are so many crappy sides of the internet these days, all I really want to do is contribute to the real, honest, raw, soul-sharing side of it. It is not an easy thing to do, and my 10+ drafts of this post are proof of that!! haha But I am so glad I was inspired a few days ago and just pumped out this post. The support and positive feedback is the main reason why I continue to share. I see how it reaches people, and that makes me feel SO good. Because I know how I feel when I read online essays and blogposts from other's that touch me. <3
CH says
It is so clear from reading this that you are going to be fine. Feel all the feelings, take whatever path you like among those that are offered to you, and you will be fine. Better than fine. Thanks for sharing!
Kathy Patalsky says
I'm glad you see that because some days I just don't know. It is such an uncertain journey. But I know I will figure this all out as I go, especially with the help of people around me. Seriously, sharing and being 'out' about this is such a huge weight lifted off my chest. xo
Julia Ralston says
Kathy, you are a strong, sincere, wonderful woman. Sharing something so personal takes so much
courage, more than you probably realize. It is very brave for you to be so open
about something so personal. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have been one of the person’s in my life that has been so instrumental in my vegan journey. I know that statement
doesn’t really apply to the subject of the post, but I just wanted to point out how your blog and passion has helped so many. I wish for you the most fulfilling life you can have and the struggles
you are going thru now will turn into the upmost success you could ever wish
for.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Julia, I am going to try not to cry after reading that comment!! That means so very much to me. Blogging for over ten years is a long road, and I have had moments where I don't know if it is worth it. But comments like yours truly keep me going and keep inspiring me to share more and keep going.
Shanna says
Thanks for sharing this Kathy. I've been reading your blog for years and I just adore you. I just want you to be happy and I'm sorry you are struggling with this. My heart really goes out to you. It's funny cause when I look at your life (on the surface) it's almost perfect to me. And by that I mean, its my dream to work from home and have that freedom that you have. To just get up and go and travel anywhere with nothing holding you back. Including kids. I always just assumed you didn't want kids because of all that beautiful freedom you have. I'm almost 27 and I don't think I want kids because I crave freedom more than anything. Maybe that will change one day. But I'm glad you shared this. I wish you all the best and I truly just want nothing but happiness for you. You're a wonderful person.
With so much love,
Shanna <3
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Shanna for the very kind words. I adore you too just by reading your comment!
And ahhh, those magic words "I just assumed you don't want kids." You are not alone in that!! It is so funny how many people (even people very close to me!) have said that exact sentence to me over the past few years because I NEVER talked specifically about my struggles and that deep in my heart I ached for kids. Those assumptions were actually one of the main reasons I knew I wanted to write this. I want to try and break the stigma of talking about these things. And I want me readers to know my real story. Women get scared to talk openly about problems and miscarriages and struggles... (I know I did!) I think partly because there is SO MUCH uncertainty involving pregnancy. But to me - and it will be different for everyone - it feels like secrecy and shame and suffering without the support of my friends and family.
Obviously not everyone will post their story on a public blog like me, this is the extreme side of sharing (haha) but if I hope to inspire at least a few people to TALK to friends and family about this stuff with less shame and hesitation.
It is unbelievable how much BETTER I felt once I started talking about all this stuff.
(And the truth is, I am really just starting to understand how to TALK about all this stuff.)
Thank you for sharing your story a bit, and being part of the conversation! I am sending you tons of love on your journey whatever that may look like!
ss says
Kathy, thank you for sharing. It is so important for more women to speak up about fertility issues and the struggle of getting pregnant--it's something that many women are afraid or ashamed to talk about--so that other women know they aren't alone. I think we all expect that getting pregnant and having children is so easy because we're wired for it biologically, but so many women I know have had difficulty. I'm 30 and getting married in a few months and my fiancé and I have already talked about timing for children, but we are hyper-aware how that planning may mean nothing if our bodies do not cooperate. Thanks to a few very close friends, and now to you, who have shared their struggles with fertility, I am prepared for whatever happens. It's so reassuring to know that there are a community of women who are out there and talking about these really important issues so that we all know we are not alone.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you for that! "I am prepared for whatever happens" that makes me feel really good to hear. I truly hope every woman can feel that way and be prepared emotionally and get checked out early on to know what her timeline may be. I think I waited too long to really address this which is frustrating. So now I feel this clock ticking and that sucks so much! I do not work well under pressure haha. Sending you so much love and thank you for agreeing that more women should feel ok about talking about all this stuff. <3
Giulia Lombardo says
Thanks for sharing youe story...in my mind in my 30 I was already married with a big family well now at 33 I'm no married yet (I'm going to do it only once in my life) and after a surgery in 2012 I'm not sure I'll be able to have kids...but for the moment I have my cats and I'm always been open about adoption, so don't worry you're not alon...I send you a huge hug!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Giulia. "but for the moment I have my cats and I'm always been open about adoption" Yup, that sounds like me! I am so incredibly grateful for the kitties in my life - they truly allow me to bring out that mothering side that I so want to share. I know it's not the same, but it really does help.
And I hear ya! A few of my friends are in that boat where they aren't married and feel so far behind from having kids. We all have such unique struggles under this umbrella topic and every single women will face this journey on some level, so it only makes sense that we make it easy to talk about!
I'm sorry about your surgery, I actually had a few too in regards to my situation. Which I didn't tell ANYONE (except my husband) about because you just didn't talk about those things. I'm sorry you face an uncertain road as well, so sending lots of love and peace to you. xoxo
Heidi Kokborg says
Thank you so much for sharing this, Kathy. You are so strong and brave for sharing your story and journey. I am only 23 years old and I am not sure if I want kids or not so obviously I don't know how you are feeling or going through. But I can imagine it, and my heart really goes out to you. Sending you good vibes and hoping for all the best for you and your husband <3
With much love,
Heidi
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Heidi! Sending you all good things in return. <3
Megan says
Thank you for sharing your story. I've recently felt like everyone I know gets pregnant at the first thought of trying as I watch enviously from the sidelines. It is so helpful to hear other women share their stories; to know there are many routes to motherhood. Wishing you well along your journey, sending some positive vibes across the internet 🙂
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Megan, I am so happy my story helps you in some way. I love this.. "It is so helpful to hear other women share their stories; to know there are many routes to motherhood." <3
Roxanna says
You are a brave women for sharing your story. sometimes it feels like a relief to share the real stories of real people and our fertility struggles. I have been there...we celebrated the birth of our first child the same year as our 10 year wedding anniversary. We had to go thru IVF for both of our children. It sucks and no one could ever realize the emotions one goes thru yearning for a baby they can't conceive due to infertility. I started my IVF journey with the mindset of I would do everything in my power to get pregnant and if it wasn't successful; I would be satisfied knowing I exhausted my options. You will be in my prayers as you proceed down this path.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Roxanna. That is exactly what my inner dialogue is saying right now... We have to try whatever we can, but if we are not successful, we will at least know that we did indeed TRY. Thank you for saying you had to use IVF. And that it worked! I'm not there yet, but all the RE's keep mentioning it to me as a good option. I read stories of people going through multiple rounds of IVF or having multiple miscarriages and I wonder if I am emotionally and physically strong enough to do all that. And what if it doesn't even work?
Thank you for the prayers, sending you love as well!
Emily says
Oh my goodness. I'm so glad you refuse to hide or be ashamed. I struggled for 2 dark, painful, depressing years to conceive my first. I had to decline so many baby shower invites because I just couldn't do it for another person. It was really awful. My first time pregnant I misscarried, devastating. But that was our dress rehearsal, and that little burst of energy came back and stuck and is a hell raising, healthy three year old. I can only hope that people will continue to tell their stories, as you have, and help to normalize all the different journey's to motherhood. continue to put you first, get second and third opinions, come up to portland and work with my naturopath(!). Hugs!!!!
Kathy Patalsky says
I'm so sorry you had to struggle too Emily. I love this that you said.. "help to normalize all the different journey's to motherhood."
And yes, baby showers are hard!! But they are also SO BEAUTIFUL. I truly feel such immense happiness for all my pregnant and new mama friends, luckily they know that and actually being open with them about my journey has helped a lot because it never feels weird or awkward or fake. They know my situation, but they also know how incredibly happy I am for them. In fact, there can be such a beautiful connection between a person like me and a newly pregnant mom because pregnant mamas are deep into a scary struggle themselves. We are both scared and hormonal and struggling, in different ways. And it is pretty neat to connect on that level.
Jillian says
Thank you for your overwhelming courage and strength to share your life and journey with all of us. Reading this made me feel like I was sitting across from you on your couch drinking matcha with you- so raw and vulnerable. An inspiration and good reminder that there is immense strength in allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Sending love and light your way as you continue on your journey.
Kathy Patalsky says
Aw I love that. I wish we were all sitting on a couch drinking matcha! And yes! I totally forgot that lesson, but thank you for reminding me. I do feel very vulnerable and scared writing ALL this stuff, but thank you thank you for reminding me that that scared feeling is really a sign of being strong. I forget that a lot. <3
7iThor says
Lovely post Kathy. Thank you for sharing. Your writing is always beautiful and inspiring.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much <3
Teri Giese says
I remember feeling as you do.Except I had already had 3 daughters,then became a single Mom when they were only 3,2,and 6 months old.Worked as many as 6 jobs to feed and care for us.No real support system.I remarried a few years later.That was 1992.Took until 1998 to have our Gabby.Literally,we just stopped thinking about it,and one day I was like,"we need to go for it";if you get my drift😉.That was the very day Gabby was created!I was 38 years young when I had her.Best advice,do NOT go on the drug Clomid!Made me so depressed,crabby,bloated,and kind of chubby.Secondly,as hard as it is,try not to stress.Stress affected my ovulating.Which was our issue.You sound like such a wonderful woman,I so hope you get all you wish in your life!Be at peace,and enjoy your "pet family",and love your man.Mostly,love yourself,and be very proud of all your other successes.And friends!What I would do to have a female friend to hang with,lol.💗🤗
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much for sharing your story Teri! You have had quite a journey as a mom and it sounds like you have worked so hard for your kids - bravo to you!! And clomid, ya, been there-done that and it absolutely makes me crazy. lol. Hormones are powerful, especially when combined with natural stress of this situation. It is quite comical how you can find yourself crying and screaming for absolutely no good reason. I hate how much fertility doctors depend on these drugs, but that's part of my journey I guess... And yes, female friends are SO helpful in this situation. But really, even people I don't know all that well, but can connect deeply with on this journey, are the people who have really made a spiritual difference for me. That is why I wanted to share this! Even 'strangers' bloggers or online acquaintances can be so incredibly soul-soothing, when you share a similar path. Connections you never even imagined can form if you just take a leap and reach out to someone.
But on the flip side, being able to sooth ourselves and create joy all by ourselves - I think - is important too. I am a bit of a introvert though, so that side comes much more naturally to me. Except for a few close, loyal friends, I really have to remind myself to socialize and reach out sometimes.
Anyways, thank you for sharing and sending much love to you and your family! <3
Vegan Richa says
Thank you for sharing you story Kathy. It took me some years to accept that I will not have a baby as in pregnancy. this was around the time every other friend in my old circle was getting pregnant and we were attending baby showers every few months and I would randomly break down at the event. At the time I didnt even necessarily want kids, but the ability to have them being taken away was probably difficult to accept. The talk changed over the years about whether we want a child(adopted) or be without, and we have left it hanging there for now.
On the other hand, my brother & wife after struggling with getting pregnant recently had a beautiful daughter. They had looked at options and had started working towards them a step at a time. Thankfully the swimmers just needed help to get to the right place using other intervention.
Good luck with everything.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much for sharing that Richa. I'm so sorry you do not have the choice to have kids. And I can totally relate to your baby shower troubles! I'm pretty sure I went home and cried my eyes out after a few baby showers I've attended. It's so hard because I am SO genuinely happy for my friends and family having babies, but it's such a raw and sensitive topic for me right now. No matter what happens I can't wait to get to a place of feeling at peace. Whether that is with a child of my own, or not or even if we adopt. Who knows what is ahead, I certainly have no clue. Just taking it one thing at a time, our bodies do not like rushing! But at 36, I definitely feel that ticking clock. Anyways much love to you Richa! 💗💗💗
Vegan Richa says
I know right. I am always incredibly happy for them. Now I have 2 nieces. I get to be the cool aunt and do lots of fun stuff while the parents handle the tantrums :). I went through accepting many things in the last 2-3 years and the emotions are mostly at peace, was 37 then.
Sending you lots of love and courage to be able to be find acceptance and peace. 💗💗
Liz S. says
Sending you lots of good vibes and thank you for sharing your journey - I'm only hoping the best for you, dear Kathy.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you Liz! I appreciate that very much 💗
Maple Cadieux says
Thank you for sharing your struggle. There are SO many families dealing with infertility and it always helps to feel less alone. Have you heard of The Eggcellent Adventure podcast? It's about one couple's journey through IVF but touches on so many issues related to infertility. I think you'd really enjoy it. Sending you positive vibes...
Kathy Patalsky says
It is true! I mean when I show up to my fertility clinic the place is PACKED. And I'm like, who are all these women?? I'm not alone! haha I have not listened to that podcast, but will check it out! There are a few blogs that I have read that are really awesome. Thanks for the recommendation Maple! <3
Laurie A. says
You SHOULD be proud. Your courage to share your story so openly is beautiful. I wish you the best. No matter what the ultimate outcome is, I know you will face it with strength, elegance and a positive awareness.
Kathy Patalsky says
Thank you so much Laurie, that makes me feel even prouder 😊 thank you so much for the kind words.